Fuck Beans! Its a Blog isnt it?

This one's for you Mikey

2011-07-01T18:27:00.001-07:00

Smash Mouth SNL Sketch

Unemployment Diary Week 2: Freeloader

2010-05-07T21:01:00.001-07:00

This blog entry is part of a series, that deals with my current unemployment status: If you want to catch up, please do so by clicking the links below:

Day 1 | Why Don’t You Get a Job? | Haircut | Another Day In Paradise

Saturday

The best news that begins week 2 is that I got a paycheck from my former employer. Its one of the three checks that they owed me still. I really had this desire to use it to go on Vacation. Just spend it bumming around. beaches on the east and west side of Florida and everything else in between.

The Losers

In what could possibly be one of my last returns to the theatres, what with my quickly disappearing funds, and rising ticket prices, I decided to cash in a free movie ticket I had at Sunrise Cinemas thanks to their loyalty rewards programs. I can’t push these programs enough. What may seem like a hassle to carry around rewards cards and flash them while buying a ticket, eventually pays off big when you need it. Whether its a free ticket or free concessions, it all helps the wallet.

I decided to watch The Losers. Good or bad I tend to always support the comic Book movies that need it.

Give it a chance, The Losers might just surprise you. It’s faithful to the comic, but not bogged down by continuity or fan boys so they could cut loose and have a lot of fun. I enjoyed it quite a bit, and my review of it at the time was pretty much this. “If you’re looking for something to do. And You haven’t seen Kick-Ass, then watch The Losers”. Hell, that should’ve been the blurb on the Poster. Free entertainment At its finest.

Sunday

I hit Hollywood Beach Again. This time I took the kid and even though she was being quite a prat we still managed to have some fun.

She managed to lose that beach ball no less than 4 times, thanks to high velocity wind. And thanks to the sexy European chick who decided it was her mission to help her return it to us. She also took the Goodwill roller skate shoes out for a trial run at the Hollywood Broadwalk.

BTW, Ally gets off on seeing herself on this blog or on Face book or YouTube in whatever ridiculous adventures she gets into. But sooner or later I fear its going to catch up to her in an embarrassing way,

Monday

I applied for Government assistance to see where that would take me. But apparently I need a letter from my boss stating that I no longer am employed and why. I fired them off an email asking them to do me this Solid, so i could get some health benefits.

Things have been really shitty lately. Even though i find myself with more free time, I have even less desire to make use of it. I feel guilty to spend any money, and I feel even more guilty to use this time for leisure. I cant even watch TV without tormenting myself.

It feels like when we have a power outage due to a hurricane. And there’s nothing to do, but sit around the house bored, and go to bed early.

Tuesday

I bought Super Street Fighter 4. Yeah I shouldn’t be spending money, but I had Best Buy Reward Zone points. Thanks again to loyalty cards, And it ended up only costing me 20 Bucks. Plus I got a free costume pack for the game, on Xbox Live.

A good friend wrote me, saying she’s been wondering how I am since the my job loss. I told her I’m a little sad, but carrying on none the less.

I think I’m sad because I’m bored. I’m bored because I have no desire to go out or entertain myself, because I have no job. When I do have a job, I usually hate it. And that makes me unhappy. But working allows me the opportunity to earn money to buy things. New things amuse me. But I’ve learned as i get older that new toys don’t make me happy anymore.

I think what I really want to do is go to some deserted cabin in the middle of nowhere and just forget about all the trappings of society. But I'm not allowed to do so, because of my kid. Because of my family. SO I got to work. So she can grow up and get a job and a mortgage and feel like shit too. Life is retarded.

I don’t think my friend understands me anymore. As much as I desperately want her too. I pretend I have something to do. That I have somewhere to be. And I go off and watch TV.

Wednesday

I called my bosses, because I have not received a response to the email. I really need proof that I am no longer gainfully employed to receive these benefits. But it looks like They are done taking my calls.

Thursday

I got denied for unemployment. Basically it stated I made no wages for last year. I think they got a hold of my former boss, and he explained to them I was a contractor. And probably was not entitled for benefits.

I convince my brother to see the new Nightmare on Elm Street. We’re both big horror buffs, and a new Nightmare, Halloween, Or Friday movie is one of the few we can both agree on seeing together. And it tides us over until the next Halloween Horror Nights. He brings his wife along. Which is fine, but I was expecting it to just be the two of us. But she’s paying, and therefore more than welcome. Popcorn and Soda are added to the credit card, and it still comes out cheaper than it would have been at AMC Aventura 24. Thanks to my sister in law Monse, and Flippers Cinema. Too bad the movie sucked.

Friday

Another former Co-worker touted a job opportunity at his place of business. I was tempted to apply, because Man I NEED something. But the pay is considerably less than what I was making before. He said there are some good benefits and commissions that may put be on equal footing with my previous job. But we all know commissions are never guaranteed. This kind of decision is hard. I mean I need a job, But can i waste my time and someone else’s time when I know it wont be enough to pay my bills and may have to quit eventually? It’s something I’m going to have to thing about over the weekend.

Casey’s birthday party today. I attend not only to make merry with a friend. But just to have something to do. Oh and free refreshments is always nice in my time of need. I know it’s your Birthday Casey, but thanks for The Quiche!

Saturday

Free Comic Book Day! Talk about stretching your entertainment value? Thanks to Glen at Villains in North Miami beach, me and the kid got a great selection of comics.

What’s better than not spending a dime and getting Free Comics?

Spending a few pennies and getting an entire run of Keith Giffen’s Justice League International. At 20 cents a piece, Amazing deal at Zap Bam Ka-Pow! in Pembroke Pines. (Formerly EARTH 2 COMICS)

I didn’t get a check this Saturday though. And I have a sneaking suspicion it has something to do with Unemployment and the request for that letter.

Sunday

Free-loading at Casey’s party isn’t the lowest I’ve stooped this week. My daughter was invited to a party at Chuck E Cheese. I hate Chuck E. Cheese. It’s the worst place on Earth.

Even the rat doesn’t look like he wants to be here. Sad Chuck E.,Cheese reminds me of this picture “Sad Vader”.

Still I went to the party and accepted beer, soda, pizza, wings, and cake from people I barely new and had no desire to befriend. I'm not even a fan of beer, but it didn’t stop me from guzzling it down, in hopes it would dull my senses, from the roar of children screaming as they rode token operated machinery.

I ended the day and this weekend pretty much the same way i did the last weekend, at the beach Again. Just did not have a desire to go home I guess. This time though the kid had no swimwear. But that’s okay she’s not shy.

She was excited afterwards. Because she (mostly) got rid of her tan lines. I’m already starting to dread the days, she reaches of Age and finds out about Haulover Beach, so she can get an “all-over” tan as she puts it.

She’s growing up way too fast.

-J.

Casting for Extras

2010-05-03T11:54:00.001-07:00

It’s been over a month since I last posted regarding production of The Lunchroom. I want to apologize for that from the get go. This blog post is part of a continuing series on the making of are first short film The Lunchroom. If you want to catch up, Please do so on the below links.

The Beginning

Pre-Production

Lunchroom Conversations | Another 48 Hrs. | Odishon

On my last entry we had wrapped up auditions and had found new energy. It had sparked the creative desire in each and every one of us. I’d like to tell you that we seized the moment and banged out a slew of short films in the couple of months since casting. But that’s not what happened at all:

Getting the film made was not an easy undertaking. I don’t want to highlight any of the negative aspects, but suffice it to say there was friction in the group. Some of us, had experience, and some of us did not. Some felt they were just along for the ride. Some of us were used to doing things in one fashion, and others were looking for direction, while others were flowing with the moment. What I learned most though is even with a small group of independent filmmakers, it can get very Hollywood when its time for creative decisions. What I mean by “Hollywood” is when things spiral out of control in the creation process, and you end up with a giant fucking Spider in your movie. We see some asinine situations come out of Hollywood, absurd plots, stupid remakes, and ending that differ completely from the novel and you wonder Who the Hell was the guy that came up this bullshit? It’s just normal people. Each pursuing their own interests in the project, whether its money, fame or career. Each with an ego, they needed to check, an opinion they just NEED to share, They need to be heard. You know the saying too many cooks spoil the soup? Well the same can be said about filmmaking. And that’s something I learned for the future. Everyone should have an assigned job, and they need to it, and everyone else needs to get out of their way. The writer is the writer. The director directs, and producer needs to wrangle them altogether, or shit will never get done.

I decided since I wasn’t writing or directing, that I would take the task of production on my shoulders. It also seemed like no one else wanted it, even though a deadline for shooting had been set. Furthermore, we had yet still not cast the lead actress. The one that ties it all together. While I saw the comedic opportunities of the role, a crazy stalker. A woman too desperate to realize that her advances were unwanted. Leonard had the one caveat that she had to be extremely hot. So the idea that she’s desperate no longer worked. The character would have to be naive.

I went ahead, and put up a casting call on Mandy.com. The character sheet said she would be 22-29, but Mandy only had 18-24 and 25-30. I didn’t want the character to be so young. So I chose 25-30. What I would soon learn is that in Hollywood talk, 25-30 is late 40’s to early 50’s. The first dozen or so applicants. where 25-30 years older than ME. It seemed like an utter disaster at this point. There were no actresses who would fit the description. The closest was a late thirties hispanic woman, who had done some dramatic work in short films, but was going to be unable to attend the audition. She wanted to audition via the web. Which in this day and age was not an unusual request. Hell, production meetings on this film were being held over facebook messages. But I had come up with the GENIUS idea, to hold auditions on the very same day of the shoot. The character didn’t have a lot of lines and no one was available to hold secondary auditions. So why not merge everything onto the same day.

I then moved on to Craigslist, which had been such a huge boon in talent scouting on previous projects. I sent out the same posting, plus a separate one for Extras. While I got a dozens of requests for people wanting to be extras, I got very few prospects in the way of lead actress. It wasn’t for lack of applicants either. I got tons of resumes this time. People that weren’t quite right for the part. Mostly because they had the wrong genitalia. Apparently on Craigslist Looking for Lead Actress means: Hairy chested men Wanted. One woman even sent me the resume for her adorable 3 year old son. She had him pimped out in a business suit and a slick haircut. I know you’re looking for women, she said. But please keep my son in mind. Let’s see: Now casting for workplace comedy, The Office meets Fatal Attraction. I guess I really might have a part for junior. He did have a nice suit.

Eventually the most interesting thing happened. My craigslist ad was dumped, on several, talent agency websites. All of a sudden I was bombarded with applicants. Male, female, and some of undermined sexuality. I’m not going post pictures, but they ranged from some beautiful women to some of the most absurd people. There was a guy who looked like he belonged as an extra in Napoleon Dynamite. He had an awesome wristband, killer hair, and a katana sword. I really wanted him in the movie. I can’t help it. I gotta post pictures.

Freakin’ Awesome. *lol*

Then there was this lady, who was part bodybuilder, part cougar, All bad ass. She was the star of her own comic book. Correction. TWO Comic Books. Rarely does one get to be the star of one comic, let alone TWO. Unless you’re Batman. But we weren’t exactly sure if she was a female. Serge and Eric, experts in photoshop and digital manipulation, went over the image in question and did notice that it was “retouched” in the crotch area.

here was this lady, who was part bodybuilder, part cougar, All bad ass. She was the star of her own comic book. Correction. TWO Comic Books. Rarely does one get to be the star of one comic, let alone TWO. Unless you’re Batman. But we weren’t exactly sure if she was a female. Serge and Eric, experts in photoshop and digital manipulation, went over the image in question and did notice that it was “retouched” in the crotch area.

Still Casting Auditions over the internet weren’t all bad. It’s how we found Pearce Blair after all.

From the get-go I knew I wanted him in the movie. He just looked so pimp in that suit. There wasn’t even a part for him beyond extra. So I lobbied for us to create something special for him. Pretty much the entire crew loved his look. So we created the role of “The Boss” for him. If you haven't seen it yet. Check out Pearce in the short film Intervention below.

We also found Nikita Miller this way. She applied to be an extra in our film. But I knew right away, that we could cast her in the lead female role.

I submitted her in with the other applicants without much fanfare. Everyone’s conception of beauty is different, so I didn’t want someone veto-ing her automatically. Just because I thought she was right for the role, even though she was a bit young. I think Serge was the first one to get excited over her picture. If she could act he wanted her in his short film Norwood. I also saw her in a few of my feature length scripts. She had that girl next door quality in her photos. Eric also chimed in his approval, and lastly Leonard would ask to bring her on board in his usual understated way. Give me so and so, oh and Nikita too.

Unemployment Diary Day 4 and 5: Another Day In Paradise.

2010-04-29T01:18:00.001-07:00

Day 4

-SABOTAGE-

I was contacted at 11:25 by the former coworker who I was looking to get a job from. He told me that someone had shutdown my former employer’s phone server. Add they had blamed him.Because the last person to logon used his password.

I didn’t actually wake up until 12:30 and got the message. But I let him know that revenge, while sounding through sabotage sounded amusing, it’s not something I was willing to risk, Due to all the money they owed me at the moment. And if I were to commit sabotage, I would do more than simply turn something off.

-CONSERVATION--

It’s earth day today, And I’ve been doing what I can as of late. Not simply save the planet. But to save cash anyway i can. Persistently Turning off lights and electronics. Yelling at family members who forget to do the same. Shutting off the AC and leaving it off whenever possible. And washing laundry at a relatives house and hanging it up on the line.

Saving money first and the earth second.

Day 5

-I DIDN’T FORGET ABOUT YOU-

I got a message from my former co-worker. He said He didn’t forget about me, but he has two other partners. Not sure what he meant by that whether he had to check with him, or whether I had to go through some interview process. He also said that his offices were in Brickell. And wondered whether I’d be able to make it. But he also said I should be used to it, driving to TAG everyday. Actually I’m not sure If that’s what he meant. Maybe he was trying to steer me away from the idea of working for him. Brickell really isn’t that far from me at all. Not sure if the interview is in Brickell, or if the job is in Brickell. Doesn’t really matter, I’d drive to the moon if it meant that my life would go back to normal.

Fuck and to be honest, I don’t even know what the job is. Don’t really care as long as there’s a steady paycheck involved. He said He would call me today, and I had the feintest glimmer of hope from his message.

-LIFESTYLES OF THE BROKE AND UNEMPLOYED-

Eric’s was itching to get out of the house and wanting to come over to mine. I really didn’t think I’d make good company. I’ve been avoiding hanging out. But after the message I received earlier, I was in good Spirits and decided to get out of the house. He wanted to get some coffee, and I wanted some freedom. So we went down to the broadwalk at Hollywood Beach. Which was pretty quiet on a Friday afternoon.

We ate at Oceanside Seafood restaurant which made a pretty ostentatious claim to having THE BEST PHILLY CHEESESTEAK IN HOLLYWOOD.

I’m not a gourmet, by any stretch of the imagination, but if you’re gonna boast something like this, be prepared to back it up. This shit was gross. And prepare in a microwave over as you don’t even have a grill on the premises. Seriously. Never eat here.

I do like the ay they bring out their condiments though.

I played around, watching myself on the the webcam from the restaurant next door. I know it’s easily accessible technology. Any idiot can put up a webcam. But there’s just something thrilling about watching yourself on TV.

After a short walk we ran into this poor unfortunate creature. There is no other way to describe her.

She walks up to me and asks:

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing Just hanging out. What are YOU doing?”

”Just got out of jail. And I don’t know what to do. Do you have any idea?.”

“I’m sure there are some shelters. But I’m not from here. So I don’t know where. Or how safe they are.

“Oh. Can I have some money?”

“No I don’t have any. I just lost my job actually. Why were you in Jail?”

“I tried to Kill myself. Is that the New Apple iPad?”

I shit you not. This is the exact turn this conversation took. Even homeless suicidal drug addicts, know what’s really important. .

The rest of the interaction was me prodding her for more info on her attempted suicide and her trying to borrow Eric’s phone.

You know that Phil Collins Video “Another Day in Paradise” where the dude ignores the homeless lady?

Yeah Eric. is THAT bastard. The situation made him extremely uncomfortable, and that tickled me to no end. Where I kept egging him on.

"Can I borrow Your Phone” she says.

“I’m sorry. I’m waiting for an important call” he says.

“Doesn’t it have call waiting? All phone have call waiting”

“Yeah dude. All phones have call waiting!.” I said. “And anyways if it’s important I’m sure they’ll call back”

Heartless, I tell you. I can’t say i blame him. Cellphones are a pretty personal thing. You cant wash the stench of homelessness with soap and water. And this lady had sores all over her face, I wouldn’t have loaned her my shit either. Eric just needed a better lie.

“Is that a phone? Can I borrow it?”

“No sorry. I lost my job and had the service turned off. I’m just using it as an iPod now.

“Nice case.”

”Oh hey. Thanks.” Again I am not exaggerating. THis is how the conversation went. It is a pretty nice case though.

All and All I had a nice day at the beach. But I never did get a call back.

Unemployment Diary Day 3 : Get a Haircut and Get a Real Job

2010-04-21T21:21:00.001-07:00

Day 3

-So, You Need My Help?-

I woke up this morning at noon. Finally sleeping the sleep of the unemployed. I noticed a missed call on my cellphone and a voicemail from My Old Boss.

“Hey I could use a little information on something if you could give me a call on my cellphone, thanks”

So you could use my help now? Doesn’t really sound like you were going to pay me for this “information”. To be honest, if my phone hadn’t been in an off position I probably would have woken up immediately and helped him. I mean these guys still owe me money. I need that money. But alas, my cellphone was off. I returned his call immediately and left a message. Then i called him an hour later and he didn’t answer again. When I worked for him, he always answered, or got back to me within 5 minutes. So if i’m getting this kind of treatment when I’m calling to help HIM out with something. I only imagine the response I’ll get when I start calling to ask him where my money is.

-BEING DIRECT-

I contacted my former co-worker and just put it out there.

“Any word On the possibility of hiring me?”

He fed me a line about how he’s still checking, But he just hired a bunch of people and he’ll see if he cut one of them loose and hire me. I told him whatever he could so, and no hard feelings. Then he changed the subject. *ouch*

No hard feelings. Because if the roles were reversed I wouldn’t hire me either. See he’s worked with me at two different companies. And he knows my work ethic and I can never compare to his. Maybe that was okay when it was someone else’s money at stake. But now that it’s his he has to be more careful and I get that. It’s not like I would take advantage of our friendship like that either.

-BURNING BRIDGES-

I’ve also realized I should stop badmouthing Comcast. They seem to be the only game in town for employment. And their support staff is a swell bunch of guys. Offering me help through my blog comments and twitter. I expect them to show up on my Facebook and X-Box Live any day now. Send me your gamertag Doug!

My current problems with Comcast have come to an end, now that my job with the Wi-Fi company is over. So I don’t need your help Mark and Doug. But if I do, I know how to get in touch with you guys quickly.

Doug had another amusing shoutout for me on his Twitter feed.

comcastdoug

@kortanaskew WOW... appreciate the mention in your Blog :-) We do try and yep I'm for real... we have a full team..

-SO YOU NEED MY HELP Part 2-

So the ex-boss finally called me back. They’re having a problem with the NetGong network monitoring tool. It’s a tool designed to monitor our routers at all of our location. It’s not a magical tool, I had to into it everyday several times a day and update it. But without it, it makes our job near-impossible. I know because we lost the license back in 2008 for it. The bosses were trying to come up with a payment because they only accepted paypal and credit cards. They wanted to pay with a company check, and not use their own credit cards. Because the company owed the bosses money already. But the kicker is the bosses owned the company. Seems like they were dipping their ink in the company well. So I offered to buy it with my paypal as long as I would be reimbursed. They agreed and we’ve been able to use netgong ever since. This was December 2008. The last expense check I received was for June 2008. Long story short, they never paid me for the software license. And now here they were, calling me to repair something they screwed up, when they changed the password to lock me out of the server when they fired me. Even though they never reimbursed me for the program. I was livid. I gave them some bullshit about it having to do with the password change.

But I wasn’t going to help them. Screw that. He said perhaps we can maybe make this your first project. If they give me access to this software I will just uninstall it. End of story.

Then he said the new company might call me in a couple of weeks. So I realized something. The merger is still in transition stage. Their goal at the moment was to solidify their positions in the company. There were three of them taking a paycheck, while i kept the company running. i never got greedy, I never asked for more money. And i was always patient when they told me. But they always took their paycheck first. One of the three is my ex-bosses wife. A nice lady but a complete nincompoop, when it came to technical support, sales, and payment processing. She’s pretty much been responsible for 75% of the outages that are caused at our location. Because she has either forgotten to pay the bill, or mismanaged the budget, and the internet was always being cut off.

When this realization sunk in. I became angry. My new goal now is to recover my pay, and everything owed to me by any means possible. I still won’t sink to sabotage, but I will start consulting labor lawyers.

-GET A HAIRCUT AND GET A REAL JOB-

One of the perks of working from home is the lack of need towards grooming. My beard is in a constant state of shaggyness, I often find myself going to work in my sleep clothes and my hair has gotten very long. Check it out:

So I was going to need a haircut. I called my brother up who I often used to trim the sides of my hair to save barber fees. He was extremely reluctant because any expertise he had was just buzz cuts. But I couldn’t go out and spend money on a barber or a salon. Unemployed people don’t have fancy haircut money. So I convinced him to come over and give it a shot. And if he screwed it up we could always just shave it all off, right?

He was listening to a Top 100 songs of 1994 countdown and this song began to play as the trimming started. Completely appropriate lyrics.

“Oh no, It go, It gone, Bye Bye”

First thing had to go was my ponytail. I hate it, but it was an unnecessary evil to keep my hair in check. i wont be sad to see it go.

“Watch me unravel, I'll soon be naked.”

My then started to experiment with different looks as he cut away,

Then he made a really bad cut where i ended up looking like Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber.

Then I discovered I had a part in my head I couldn’t get rid off.

Lord don’t let me end up with a Hitler haircut. I prayed.

He wanted to shave it off. But We were able to work it out when i wet my hair. Then he began to style it in all sorts of metrosexual ways.

This one was my favorite cause it reminded me of Daniel Day Lewis in “There Will Be Blood”

"I’ll drink your Milkshake”

“Lying on the floor, Lying on the floor! I've come undone”

I guess in the end it doesn’t look so bad for a free haircut.

I was upset about it at first., But once I showered and combed it and styled it, It looks way better than the above photos. Or so I hope.

-MOTIVATION-

Once my brother and his wife left. He sent me a text saying he left me 100 bucks inside my iPhone case. I was floored. And shocked. I blow through a hundred dollars like it’s nobody’s business. For them it’s a lot harder to come by. I was also angry that my former employers left me in such a situation that he thought he should have to leave me some money. This is my little baby brother. I should be the one looking out for him.

I texted him back that I wasn’t in such dire straits, that I needed his money yet. But I really appreciated the sentiment.

I vowed to myself that I would get a job before I would have a need to use that money.

Unemployment Diary Day 2: Why Don’t You Get a Job?

2010-04-21T09:49:00.001-07:00

Day 2: Why Don’t You get a Job?

I woke up this morning and realized it was the first non vacation weekday in a long time, where I didn’t have to snooze my alarm. I checked the phone expecting it to read something far into the afternoon. But it was only 10 AM. I cant even do being unemployed “sleeping-in”, right.

This song was running through my head as I awoke.

I was completely satisfied, with just sitting around the house.Until my Last and Security deposits run out and start selling off my comic book and dvd collection, then move to some remote tropical island with my iPad and Windows Home server. But that sonuvabitch Dexter Holland and the Offspring wouldn’t let me be and invaded my subconscious.

Sometime after 10 my boss called. Sorry, my “former” boss called.

“Hey did you send me that resume?”

I hadn’t. I’m not sure if I could continue to work for someone In any capacity who would fuck me over like this. I told him I had. And he said he would check it immediately. Then he said I should contact a certain former coworker. Who was now doing separate business dealings with the company. Or that he could contact him for me. This former co-worker already had spoken to me about the possibility of hiring me. And said he would get back to me. I’m still waiting for that contact.

I decided to go ahead and update my resume and send it to him. It really couldn’t hurt. Plus this was something I was going to have to do anyway. I was the supreme master at creative resume padding.

King of the World? Check! Master Hacker? Check! Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound? Check!

When I was done, Obama would be hiring me to handle the budget crisis, or shine his shoes. Win Win!

I got on facebook and a few people had sent me job opportunities. Thanks Jose and Casey. But mostly there were jokes. Not so much at my expense. But it was alright, many of the jokemakers had also been in that similar situation. But I had responsibilities and did not have “living with my Mom” as a fallback. I need a fucking job. Yesterday.

I went out to pick up Ally. Something I’ve only done on the first day of her school. She was extremely surprised. I have not explained the situation to her yet, because two weeks ago I explained the concept of homelessness to her. There had been a crazy bum panhandling and annoying people at a local restaurant. And she asked me why he was doing this. I explained he had no home. No job and probably no family to stay with, This was the most horrible thing she ever heard. Her first dose of reality. She was immediately saddened by this and began to cry. “I don’t want to be homeless” she said. I explained to her that her parents would never let her be homeless. That this was the reason I work everyday. That we would make sure she finishes school and then is able to get a good job for herself and be able to buy a house and thus insuring she would never be homeless. This seemed to comfort her, because she smiled and hugged me. That smile is the reason I go to work everyday. But now I’m out of work.

I realized that i would have to start making changes. Already I was living paycheck to paycheck. But most of the jobs out there in the same field paid considerably less. I might be bringing home up to a 1000 dollars less every month.

I decided to humor myself and visit the Goodwill. I didn’t need or want anything. But this is what money conscious people do right? Found a pair of Bratz Skate shoes in Ally’s size for 4 Bucks. Original retail price 29.99. Score! Yeah I was still buying unnecessary junk. But I was saving money now! And saving the environment. Reduce Reuse Recycle! ;)

I got home and I had a response from the former coworker with a possible job opportunity. It just wasn’t the one i was looking for.

“Can I use you as a reference?”

”Sure.”

Maybe I should have been more direct.

“Nigga, can I get a JOB?”

I swallowed my pride and put in an application for Comcast instead. I fucking HATE comcast. Anyone who knows me, knows of my long and storied battles with them. Which only got worse when I started working for a Wi-Fi company that needed to have direct dealings with them. Many, many times, Have I yelled into that phone, expecting better, different results. It never ever changed anything. If i had an enemies list, they would be number 2 on that list.

But I’m already a hypocrite rite? I pay them every month to fuck me in the ass whenever possible. So why not go to work for them. This way They’d be paying me to rape people. Plus free internet service and cable tv. Woot. Plus they have one of the coolest jobs around.

This is an excerpt from my twitter.

kortanaskew : Go to hell #Comcast. Someone should put a Cap in you. 12:01 AM Jan 13th

It was an admittedly rash and juvenile tweet, over some bad misinformation i got from facebook. I was surprised to get a Response.

comcastdoug

@kortanaskew can we help? 9:11 AM Jan 13th

I got a same day response from Comcast via twitter? Not even my friends read this thing. I didn’t even direct it at him. Just threw it out into the ether.

He is part of the Customer Service Operations Digital Media Outreach team. Fuck that’s an awesome job. Yes, Comcast Doug, You can help me. How do I get YOUR job? So Now It’s been 3 months since I was contacted by him. But when looking up this info on my iPhone I accidentally sent comcastdoug a blank tweet. He responded quickly.

comcastdoug

@kortanaskew what can I do for you???? my friend.

He called me his friend? Comcast Doug Are you for real? Then he hit me back with this:

comcastdoug

@kortanaskew oh and no cap in me.. I am here to help!!!

Comcast Doug. You sir, are a class act.

Unemployment Diary Day One

2010-04-20T17:33:00.001-07:00

Hi.

I’ve recently as of Monday found myself unemployed. This is what has transpired so far.

Day One.

Woken up by a 9 am call from my boss. I hate these. Usually means i won’t be able to go back to sleep for the rest of the day. He also has beaten my iPhone alarm. Which is also set to go off at 9 am. That mean’s he dialed exactly as his watch struck 9.

“Did I wake you?”

“Huh? Of Course not. Go ahead”

He begins to tell me of exciting new changes within the company. And he will no longer need the services of the other employee. I’m with him so far. Sales and Support will now be handled by the company they are merging with. And here I am expecting him to say , like he’s told me numerous times before, that i will be handling the Network Infrastructure and providing Tier 2 support., to the new employees.

Then he goes on to say. Our work with you will now be project based. *RECORD SCRATCHES*

“Say What?” Project based? I can’t feed my family on projects. What they told me is after 5 years. And after keeping their company afloat for 3 of those years, on my back. That I’m fucked.

“Send in a resume to the new company and we’ll be glad to submit it.”

This didn’t just happen overnight. You kept me on the hook with promises, and not paying me on-time for several months. Just to fuck me like this? Wonderful.

I can’t tell you how many people lied to me during this process. People I thought were my friends, and were looking out for my interests as well. People I did favors for because they requested them of me. That their company was having issues. And I needed to be patient in collection of my pay.

“You Just need to Chill for Today”

Why he said this like I would be coming in to work tomorrow I did not know. This is repugnant behavior.

“I don’t even have access to the server”

You never did. I made sure of that. But I checked my access, Email. Website, Phone. Server, Billing system. All revoked. But I am the only one. In fact password changes had begun on Thursday of last week. But they lied to me about why it was done.

This is when i realized I was terminated. "You Just need to Chill For Today” indeed. How about chilling for the rest of my life?

After realizing what had occurred. What was done to two previous network admins. And what they had made me do to other co-workers. I decided against destroying their business. from the inside. I needed to collect my money, I have access to a lot of the routers and a lot oft he locations. I could call each one individually and do hardware resets on the routers. It would take them several days and several hundreds of dollars in manpower to deduce what had happened. But they still owe me money. And this behavior is beneath me. At least for now.

“Do you have any questions for me?” Yeah where the fuck is all the back pay you owe me? Plus Expenses and Bonuses.

I decided to file for unemployment. Fat lot of good it will do me though, I am several weeks behind in pay already. I spoke with Unemployment expert Josh and he said it would be several weeks before i would see any benefits. But that doesn’t matter since former coworkers had failed to recieve any such benefits from this company.

If I had known this situation had been coming. I would have found another job. Had my resume floating around sooner. Curbed my spending habits. I just bought an iPad and had an expensive get together at my house. And Ive been spending my income tax refund to pay the bills I couldn’t afford because of my employers paying me late.

“We know you have a family and don’t want to leave you in the lurch”

But you did motherfucker. You just Did.

Ôdishon

2010-03-04T14:45:00.001-08:00

In the time after the 48 Hr Film Fest debacle, Serge had eventually explained that he had some computer issues and could not get in touch with me. This was a likely explanation after all I didn’t have his number either. But fuck that guy. I got to give him credit though. He didn’t stop trying to make attempts on collaborating on a project. He and Leonard friend each other on facebook and movie talks resumed once more.

12/9/09

I decided to give them both another shot and started to pitch some ideas. Mostly some bro-mance pieces, that I felt would be lucrative.

12/16/09

Serge suggested we enter the Canon Can-do Contest. He said he had the tools, all we needed to bring was the talent. I wasn’t really to keen on contributing another script for another dead end project. My faith at this point was non existent. I had recently given Leonard both the Norwood scripts. He didn’t think that was the right project for now. He felt that the pacing was entirely different between the two scripts.

12/17/09

L: I think I got a 4 minute script about the Lunchroom crowd.

S: Sound’s like a fun read send it over and let’s see what it’s about.

12/18/2009

At this point we’ve all taken a look at the original script. There was much feedback. I don’t think any of us actually got it.

L: I could change the ending to have the girl kill him and herself if we want to got dark..

J: Nah it doesn’t need to go dark. Not every independent movie needs to have someone die in it. I think though i don’t get the ending the way it is now. I think you need to go linear in the story telling. You introduced it as short about the lunchroom crowd. but its really more about the guy telling his coworkers a bunch of things that happened off-screen, or in flashback and doesn’t take place at all in the lunchroom.

L: True, just the type of talk that goes on in the lunchroom here at work. Its up to you guys, i would like the kick off the new year right with a project and see what happens. I am getting ready to do another script , just fleshing out the ideas.

Serge thought that the Lunchroom gossip would be a great idea for an indie flick. And so the project began to take shape. Leonard worked on putting up auditions at Mandy.com and we decided that we would use Serge’s place all the way up in Coral Springs.

1/23/10

The day of auditions had arrived. We took the long drive to Serge’s house. Things seemed to be disastrous at first. A bunch dudes sitting around watching Mexican comedians on Netflix and listening to Nickelback or whatever the fuck Serge had on his stereo.

Plenty of people had responded to Leonard’s audition posting and said they would show up. Worried that the project had suffered a major setback I decided to call a friend, in the hope I could attempt to convince her to try her hand at acting.

When she gets there, there is no available parking. Serge recommends an available open lot down the street from his house. Due to the unknown neighborhood factor, I decide to ride with her, so I can walk her back to the house. On the way back, while chatting and catching up on each others lives. Or rather me listening and her blabbing away, we pass a couple of dudes playing basketball in front of their home.

“Excuse me Ms. I have a question for you. is that your boyfriend?”

Even though I’m not it wasn’t exactly obvious as she was on my arm as we walked down the street. This was enough to set her off. There was a back and forth exchange between them, that eventually got out of hand and I felt the need to step in. By that time the main guy was enraged enough to make an attempt to start a confrontation. I dwarfed him in size but felt no desire to actually engage in some fisticuffs. I asked him to allow me the courtesy to escort the lady in the house and I assured him i would indeed return to “take care of him.”

The guy picked up the largest brick he could find and held it above him ready to smash across my head. Calmly i began to walk my friend away from him. But that’s when she got a bit louder and decided the best course of action was to call the Police. The would be assailant and failed wooer took off promising retribution.

“I know where you parked your car motherfucker.” He said to me.

“That ain’t my car, Idiot.” I yelled back.

The police would soon arrive. I was extremely embarrassed that a civilized audition, due to my actions had now turned into a Jerry Springer situation.

When the police arrived we discovered that the guy had fled the scene. But left her with a parting gift.

The police in South Florida have always been completely useless. So it didn’t surprise me that they weren’t interested in helping beyond filing a report. Serve and Protect? Yeah right. That’s what they do when they Serve you a ticket so they can Protect their pension. Collecting evidence must also be an absurd notion, because the cop brushed aside the Giant WEAPON the savage left on her car. The same WEAPON he threatened my life with earlier.

Still the day was not all bust. Serge had now contacted us and told us our first victim had arrived.

The Lunchroom - Casting Auditions - Theresa on Vimeo.

Debra delivered an interesting monologue from The Accused and is quickly ushered out the door by Leonard. I’m told she barely had time to gulp down the juice Serge had offered her. Leoanrd said he wanted to keep things moving.

Soon after we had a second audition. Federico came in an tried out for the role of Victor.

The Lunchroom - Casting Auditions - Victor on Vimeo.

He read from the script and a monologue of his own creation. We pretty much offered him the role on the spot. I guess it helped that he was the only one who had auditioned for the male lead at this point. He seemed pretty excited to join the cast at the moment. We didn’t really get to build a rapport with him, as he was quickly rushed out the door as well. We were pumped because now that we had our convincing Victor, the rest of the cast can be filled with friends and inexperienced actors, if it came down to that.

The last Audition for the day was Ashton Pina.

The Lunchroom - Casting Auditons - Victor #2 on Vimeo.

He read us from the script and a monologue from Suburbia. Check out an alternate angle of the audition here. He didn’t seem quite right for the role of Victor. He had unfortunately come after Federico and there for had to follow his performance. But we definitely saw some potential in Ashton and we let him know even if we didn’t use him on this project this was going to be the first of many, and we may contact him again. It probably sounded like we were blowing him off, but in a nice way.

After the auditions, we discussed possible alternate endings, something that would make the four minute short memorable. We also had a a couple of table reads with Serge, and his brother each taken turns doubling for Victor. All in all it was a pretty good experience and we learned a few things.

1) A bunch of guys sitting down staring at actors, can be quite intimidating. So we hope to include a woman in the next audition process we hold.

2) We need to get contact info on the actors before they arrive. That way we can ask them where the hell they are when they don’t show.

3) Scheduled Auditions beat open auditions. We wasted half the day sitting around. If we give each individual an appointment, we can wrap things up quicker.

I think I can speak for the rest of the guys by saying that we felt the project was on a roll now. Auditioning actors gives you huge sense of power. We were all ready to start coming up with projects so we can hold auditions. Even if we weren’t going to film them.

Another 48 Hrs.

2010-02-26T10:49:00.000-08:00

7/22/09

Leonard contacted me about the 48Hour film fest. It’s Part film festival Part Amazing race. The goal of the contest was to create a film from scratch over 48 hours. Friday night you would receive props and keywords you would have to incorporate into your script. Then you would spend the next two days, shooting, editing, and scoring your production. It sounded difficult as hell, and a whole lot of fun. This also wasn’t the first time we had a desire to enter, Back then we never even got into the planning stages. Hindered by the same old problem.

“Are they providing a camera” I asked. I knew the answer was no already. I just wondered if Leonard had any specific ideas on where we would get one.

“No we’re going to have to provide that” he said. I had recently gotten back in touch with Serge via facebook. And he seemed anxious for a new project. I told Leonard that he had all the equipment we needed and now would be the time for collaboration. Since we couldn’t prepare in advance, except for gathering the crew. We would all be in the same boat and have the same level of investment in the project. It seemed perfect. Leonard had few go to guys when it came to scoring the music. So it was beginning to click into place.

The film’s genre was also to be decided on Friday night. It was to be a 4-7 minute project. I was confident I could write it and write it fast enough. Even If I had to turn in my own version of Laser Cats. We both knew that with 4-7 minutes the only way to win the contest, was to have a real flashy movie.

“Dude, what if we pull a romance movie?” Leonard asked.

“That’s where my scripts shine the most” I assured him. “Don’t you remember all that girly-ass dialogue in Last Call.”
“Yeah but how do we make THAT flashy?” He had a good point and I began to get concerned.

I decided to contact Serge and see if he was down before we went any further. He got back to me in with all his usual excitement and fervor.

“HELL MOTHER FUCKING YEAH IM READY DUDE! COME UP TO CORAL SPRINGS AND HAVE DINNER WITH ME UP HERE, I HAVE MY STUDIO SET IN MY CRIB WITH ALL THE SHIT WE NEED, I JUST TOOK A 3 WEEK VACATION TO START NEXT WEEK SO IM GOOD!”

7/23/09

I began to request actors on craigslist. The idea was to create a list of actors who were available that weekend, and sort them by genres that they felt comfortable with. So when the time came we’d have a contact list at our disposal. We had a meeting setup with Serge on Sunday and I asked Leonard to come along so we could all familiarize ourselves with each other. I had also invited Eric on to the project. That way we both could take a turn at script writing. There was way too many restrictions, and I didn’t want to choke when all the pressure was riding on me. A backup writer made complete and perfect sense.

7/26/09

We patiently awaited Serge’s call for our meeting later that evening. I felt stupid now because the only contact info I had for him was email and facebook. We didn’t have a choice. There was no contingency plan. So we wait around all day like a girl that got stood up for high school prom.

“Maybe he’ll call later” I said.
“Yeah he did say he wanted to meet up for dinner” said Leonard.
Fuck you serge. *cries* I’m sitting up here with my corsage on. And you didn’t even call.

7/27/09

“Any Luck?”

“No he never called” I said. “It’s strange cause he’s been after me to collaborate on something everyday. I really wish this could happen. Just so we could prove we could do something”

“Don’t we all. Oh well there’s always next year”

“No. No there isn’t. Not this time. Not again” I just refused to give up. I was going to try something. Anything.

“Don’t know anyone with the equipment. The guy I know from work. Says his group is full”

The truth was that there was no limit to how many people can be in your group. There was no point in telling Leonard that. Since his co-worker didn’t want us on the team anyways.

“What kind of camera you got?”

“Leonard you seen my camera. It’s not even HD. But if you want to just go for it and shoot and not have it look entirely professional. I’m down with that.” No one said we had to win. Just get it done.

“No, I was hoping it was HD at least. it will look like ass otherwise.”

7/28/09

We used the powers of the internet to try and find ourselves a new crew. There was a yahoo group trying to match up crews together. No one was looking for two losers with no equipment, though. I posted a craigslist ad, looking for people with equipment ready to join the crew. The 48 Hour film fest also had a website setup for crew members looking to volunteer their time. But all the contacts we’re people needing grips to lug equipment around. No one was needing writing or directing talent.

“The guy at work said the groups were like 6 or 7 people”

“I didn’t see any size limits,” At this point I told Leonard I was willing to get like 30 guys together to pitch in like ten bucks a pieces so we can rent a camera and gear. It was going to be like a PYRAMID scheme for filmmakers.

8/4/09

I was beginning to get a few contacts from Craigslist.

“Hello. I read your post in craigs list and I'm very interested in joining your crew. I have a Sony FX-1000 HDV camera and Sony Vegas Pro 9 Editing program. My girlfriend is a professional make-up artist and would be interested in working too. Let me know if you're interested. Best regards Raul”

“Hi There I would like to help you with your project, I have a workstation setup for sound production, but sometimes I use it for video editing, also I have a couple microphones. I'm not interested in money, I just want to learn film production and meet people. Let me know if you think I can help you. Sincerely Gio”

“I was about to volunteer but then realized that I would be in Hartford on those days. But please let me know if you're doing any other projects. I took part in the 48Hour contest a few years ago and thoroughly enjoyed it. I don't much equipment to speak of (Panasonic DVC60, some Home Depot lights, etc..) but will be getting a XHA1S at some point in the next couple months. I have A couple vids on YouTube - search for Notarized and HydroBLADES team vid... All the best, Kwan”

“Hi! I am an actor and did a 48 hour film project last year and it was a lot of fun. My husband and I would both be interested. Sing”

So now we had leads on a cameraman. Editing software. Sound studio, makeup artist and a couple of actors. Our first step was to invite the camera man to the 48 Hour film fest kick-off event that coming Thursday at a Star Bucks. There would also be a good opportunity to meet up with actors.

8/7/09

We had not heard back from Raul the new camera guy. Yet we still weren’t worried. The goal of the 48 hour film festival is to put together something at the last minute without any sort of preparation. If it works then great, but if it all falls apart then we’d have lost nothing but time. Maybe we could get a few reels, some bloopers or some bad reality TV behind the scenes drama to hoist up on YouTube.

“I just really want to make sure we have some sort of equipment”, Leonard said. “Everything else we can just deal with. I really want to do SOMETHING. It’s all i got left” He definitely seemed desperate, for him to leave himself open like that.

“Dude we can make something. Even it its just for laughs, Or YouTube. Why are we always so hampered?”

“Seems like shit always gets in the way. Now I feel like I’m just doing time. And I’m not even behind bars.”

“Yeah but it’s more than that. Filmmakers live and breathe movies. They’re always kicking around ideas and writing down scripts”

I couldn’t even remember the last time we sat together and discussed a script. Or the last time we had seen a movie together. And fresh ideas were things that neither of us had talked about in a long ass time. All our old scripts predated the birth of all of our children. Family had taken just about every ounce of extra and energy and thought we had.

“I was watching Entourage the other day and watched As Eric went through all these scripts, faceless unknown writers had sent into to studios, and I thought to Myself. Why? Why haven’t I sent in one original idea. Just to see what would stick. So it’s not just you, it’s me too, sitting around dawdling”

“I did send yours in…”

What the fuck!? He sent my script in without telling me? I hadn’t even copyrighted it yet.

“To who?”

“Fox and CBS. I got the standard rejection letter.”

“That’s because the opening of ‘Last Call’ sucked” I could admit that now. I always knew it was slow. But I had hopes it would work out in the editing room. The movie itself would have been golden.

“I even had query letters. Those are a 2 page synopsis with which audience types it would be aiming for. Just to see if anyone would pick up the script. Or if and Agent would like it and shop it around.”

“Doesn’t matter. It would have worked as a movie. tightly edited I would have turned it into American Graffiti.”

“Well on premise alone, everyone told us to fuck off.”

Leonard had seen my script for “Last Call” as his version of the Breakfast Club. It’s not a vision that I didn’t share. But at the time teen movies were complete and utter failures. I explained this to him and we talked about new trends in Hollywood. Judd Apatow had becomes successful by cornering the male romantic comedy. Film’s like 40 Year Old Virgin and Forgetting Sarah Marshall were just at their core romantic comedies. And that's what ‘Last Call’ was also.

“Sure I could see it” Leonard said. “What i couldn’t do is make OTHERS see it”

“Not at that time.”

“SO what do you think is the next curve? Seems like everything is remake city nowadays. All I know is that I’m just waiting to die”

“ I feel your pain Leonard. But you’ve forgotten how to enjoy yourself. You seemed to have accepted your fate. We got to change our mindset. We stopped being filmmakers long ago, because we stopped talking about making films.”

“That’s, true. I know. So what’s the Plan? Are we going for it?”

“What the fuck, am I going use My Cock and Balls to shoot the Movie? But If the guy contacts me. Then yeah. We’re going for it. Even if it sucks. Even if its just Eric and Josh acting.”

“Sigh. So we are just hanging on equipment then?”

“Yeah. I can’t afford to rent it. it’s not just camera, but lights, microphone, and we need to able to edit.” The 48 Hour film fest sounded like a blast. But realistically we needed to be looking further down the road. Shooting something on our own time.

“Feels like I’m suffocating under the weight of continuing to do the same shit” said Leonard. “Any word from that dude yet?”

The 48 Hour film Project came and went, and we filed it away under E. For EPIC Fail.

Lunchroom Conversations

2010-02-25T09:33:00.001-08:00

Cut to: 4 Years later.

At this point, Leonard had long since returned from his Texan Odyssey, and his family now had 3 additions. I myself had now adjusted into family life as well. Dreams of filmmaking, were just dreams now. We talked about it now and then. But nothing ever really came of it.

The Lunchroom was part of one of those typical discussions, when it first entered my life.

The following are a series of IM and SMS messages centered around the Lunchroom short. They show the evolution of the script and the project to what it became today.

4/21/09

L: You have Final draft installed?

J: I have a copy of it. Why what’s up?

L: I need you to look over a script of mine. I want to enter that contest that Twan sent me. So I’m putting something together.

( I have no idea what contest he originally planned to enter. But it’s not the same one we are shooting for now)

L: But there is only a 20 minute time frame. So I'm trying to crush everything in that time frame.

(Our current goal is to edit the Lunchroom down to 4 Minutes!)

You have successfully received lunchroom.fdr!

J: I don’t know what this script is about but i got to say Lunchroom is a rad name for a teen comedy. The name alone has my head spinning with possibilities. Lunchroom can be like a PG13 Superbad!

(I think this is the very first time that the name was even discussed to be ‘Lunchroom’. I think Leonard always planned on changing it later)

L: Its an office setting. About a straight girl trying to get a gay guy. The point is that they are acting Like they are in Junior High.

J: oh okay.

L. I only got three pages. I'm trying to tighten the dialogue

J: So do you have another draft or is it filed in your head.

L: in my head. I'm putting down a few sections at a time. There are 3 incidents. The Lunch room. The car ride home. and the Obscene Phone calls

(Interestingly enough, the obscene phone calls never made it to either the final draft or shooting scripts and In fact I had forgotten all about it)

L: I'm off to work. I'm going to punch a few more pages out today. I’ll send them.

4/22/09

L: Should Victors voice be used in the Flashbacks? Even when a female speaks?

J: in flashback you can always just do the intro voiceover. and then have people use their regular voice. Or he can do the voices for everyone. Which are good for shorter flashbacks.

(It should be noted that the flashback scenes contain no dialogue now, except voice over.)

6/7/09

J: Eric moved back.

L. back where? Home?

J: Yeah right back in with his mom and dad.

(This information is irrelevant for now. I only included this because Eric would eventually rejoin our team)

7/1/09

J; You finished that Gay script you were writing?

L: Yup. But the co-writer bailed on me. You ready to jump behind a lens?

J: I been ready, You’re the one dawdling all the time. But seriously all these years and we never made even 1 short? That’s hard to believe.

L: Well at this point I can’t really do anything with the gay script. It’s sort of in limbo.

J: What about ‘Family Ties”

L. I was just looking for that script. You got the stomach to try and rez that…….

And just like that The Lunchroom was destined to be another forgotten project. Many months would pass before I’d hear about it again.

Serge’s Gotta Have It!

2010-02-24T11:57:00.001-08:00

The first Collaboration I did with Serge was soon after Leonard had departed. I was still filled with the desire to make a movie and I half-assed looked around for a partner and Serge was the first to come to mind. I gave him a copy of “Last Call’. He gave me a copy of ‘Norwood’. The script was a bit bare in terms of direction, but since he was the one directing it, I guess he knew what he wanted in his head. The big problem with Norwood though, was that it took place on New York subway. And Serge had long left the Big Apple and now residing in South Florida. As a writer I did the only thing I could do. I took it home and re-wrote it.

Norwood dealt with a couple’s first meeting on a New York subway. Much like a train, their relationship only travelled at a fast speed and only moved forward. And when it made a final stop, everyone got off. At the end we learn the male lead seemingly continues this pattern in future relationships, always dooming them to fail. The script originally had this New York black and white gloomy feel to it like Spike Lee’s She’s gotta have it.

But the best example is the black and white opening sequence of Scorsese’s Bad video. Watch the specific time code HERE or below.

And that was fine. I mean these movies make me think of New York. But I’m not from there. There’s more Sunshine here in Florida then skyscrapers. So a huge inspiration for me was Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. The Rework It starts off Gloomy at first in my head and brightens up as the girl enters the picture.
Eternal Sunshine also has these great train riding sequences. And this couple who’s relationship is filled with turmoil, even though you’re rooting for them, they’d rather just forget it. The characters in Norwood have given up on each other as well. I kept most of the dialogue intact. But I made it a bit sexier, and gave the male lead what seemed like an underlying motive to continue this behavior.

Check out this music video for Eternal Sunshine it really conveys the feel I was going for in the reworked script.

I had written the action on Miami’s Metro-rail system. Which at the time Serge wasn’t aware existed. So it had given him a sense of hope that ‘Norwood” could be completed finally..

I had gone through a similar event with Leonard. He had written a short feature “Family Ties” that revolved around a man hiring a hit man to take out his entire family due to the constant disappointments they always brought him. I’m not sure why he didn’t like my rewrite, but Leonard took the script away and promised to return a 2nd rewrite. Imagine that, a rewrite of my rewrite! But that was the last I ever heard of Family Ties.

So I was never really sure Serge liked my reworked Script. People are funny when you take their words and rewrite them. I know How I acted when Leonard threatened to cut dialogue in ‘Last Call’. So even if Norwood now read better to me. Maybe Serge thought I had ripped the soul of the script out and replaced it with my voice instead. As of this moment ‘Norwood’ still remains unfilmed.

I soon left The Answer Group where we both worked and Serge and I would lose touch, thereafter,

This is the end, the end of our elaborate plans..

2010-02-20T20:35:00.001-08:00

It seemed that all work on Last Call was coming to a standstill. Leonard was avoiding meetings to discuss any aspect of moviemaking. We talked at work sure, but there was no roundtable discussion to discuss our artistic expressions. It began to seem that he felt it was a waste of time. At least as long as we were languishing in pre-production. What was the point of talking about production if we weren’t getting there?

Principal characters in Last Call were Rook and Monique. Their names looks and hobbies may have been taken from people I had encountered on the road of life. But the soul of the characters they were Leonard and his longtime girlfriend. Just like Rook and Monique they too had their ups and downs, and their complicated relationship was also on and off. And just like Rook and Monique, for better or worse they just couldn’t stay away from each other. The only real difference was that in the course of the story Monique found herself with child. And Rook has to come to terms with the impending fatherhood, get a respectable grownup job and embrace the future. You know that stuff they say about Life imitating art? Well Leonard was about to become a father.

When he told me this, I now realized the impetus for going full speed ahead on his dream like this. The clock was ticking. He was going to have to get a respectable grownup job and embrace the future. I think he felt that this was his last shot while he had no responsibilities. Like Eminem he wanted to lose himself in the moment, own it and never let it go. But it just wasn’t happening. Time was running out and the project was at a standstill. This time though the dream died a slow miserable death. I saw this guy who for awhile now had been excited to come to work, just kind of sink back into old behavior. His life now was only about the three w’s. Wake up. Work. Warcraft.

Shortly there after the path he now found himself on took him away to Texas to be with his family and accept Fatherhood. And I was left behind to fend for myself. In a sort of limbo. Didn’t really know where to go from there. The domain name expired. Leonard hadn’t given me any of the details to keep it going. Vanessa Diaz our lead actress hopeful moved away to Los Angeles to try and become a star. The date of the ultimatum had now come around, but our partnership had already ended.

**soundtrack to this blog entry. The Door’s – The End**

It’s the one that says “Bad Motherfucker” on it..

2010-02-19T11:55:00.001-08:00

So by now Leonard and I had fought over the website content, The script, Final cut of the film, the budget and of course the camera. I even remember a simple irrelevant conversation about a movies box office success versus critical reviews, that turned into a screaming match on Biscayne Boulevard. It seemed like there was nothing else to fight about. But the next three arguments to come were a doozy.

Since we were now considering to purchase our own camera, I was ecstatic about shooting Sifting. To see my first baby realized onscreen and rewrite history. Plus the fact that Sifting had now become a prologue for The Last Temptation of Joe Brown, and both Fogerty and Eric appear in Last Call. Even though it meant recasting Eric since for the past few years he had been living in Tampa. It definitely seemed like a story that now needed to be told. Plus it would allow us to make a smaller film with minimal effort, no location and zero expenses. Utilizing two principal cast members only. meaning we would have the opportunity to dick around, make mistakes and learn our craft. It seemed like a no brainer. Plus added material for the DVD was a bonus. The whole idea left Leonard cold. He felt it would take our focus away from the big picture and he wanted to remain singular minded. In essence he wanted to GO big or Go home.

The next major argument wasn’t so much as devastating to me as it was a missed opportunity. Last Call was an homage to George Lucas’ American Grafitti. That film at it’s core is about young adults coming of age cruising their hometown set to a pop soundtrack and of course cars. Last Call also feature young adults coming of age, cruising around their hometown set to a pop soundtrack. What was missing was the cars. When I wrote the script the idea behind cruising in a car was alien to me. I didn’t even have one. I could see the allure of a tricked out automobile but I really had no interest. Eventually I did get a car and it wound up choosing it simply because it reminded me of being behind the wheel of John Milner’s Coupe from American Graffiti. Check out the old blog entry here. Now at The Answer Group we had a bunch of car loving nerds. Every kid at TAG had a car with some sort of custom work done. They belonged to car clubs so we’d have access to a lot of fine looking machines. My idea was to take advantage of the situation and the current tuner craze in America after the first Fast and The Furious Film had been released. The sequel 2 Fast 2 Furious had recently been shot in Miami. it was a golden idea. The plan was to retool some of the throwaway lines and give them to people cruising around South Beach and The grove. Our film already had several MAJOR car scenes in it. So why then not include the car nuts and give them a movie to love. Again I encountered a road block from the Director. He said he wanted to keep it simple. To overcomplicate the shoot would spell certain disaster. It seemed like we were now rehashing the same argument from Sifting. I tried to reason with him. George Lucas was able to shoot most of his movie from the backseat of a car, way back in 1973. We were only talking about a few scenes. He brought up the point of police interaction. Yeah if we caused a public disturbance we could be fined. But since the whole movie was going to be guerilla style and we had no permits to shoot. it would be quicker to move lines to a place where we had more control. Within the the confines of our own vehicles, there would be no butt-inski’s or lookie-loos. So if a scene had to be reshot, all it would cost us was gas.

The final argument, was the worst of all. It began one day as Leonard came to me and asked what our production name would be, He had some suggestions, but mine was the only one I wanted. I refused to concede this time. Bad Motherfucker Films.

Why do you want to call it that he asked. I wanted something that would grab attention. When people at Cannes and Sundance asked me which one was MY MOVIE, I wanted to be able to say, “It’s that one that says Bad Motherfucker on it.” Leonard argued that the name was ridiculous. That it would hurt us at marketing time. That we may have trouble registering profanity in a company name. I understood all his valid reasoning. It made sense to me. Maybe I didn’t care at this point. Maybe It was even stupid to hold my ground on this, for a film that we didn’t even have in the can, or hell even a camera to shoot with. But I just wanted to win one.

I know Leonard had his heart set on Twisted Phoenix. It had roots in our friendship, since its a name that he and Eric collaborated on during the pre-production of Sifting. Leonard also had a personal reason for it since he likened the symbolism of a Phoenix rising from the ashes with events in his own life. But fuck that. I wasn’t involved in that decision, and Eric was no longer here to provide a counter balance to our irrationality. Leonard finally gave in to this, in reason I never really knew why. perhaps it was just to sour the idea. He said he would give in to Bad Motherfucker but it had to be Bad Motherfucker Pictures and that there would be no discussion beyond that. This argument had taken days. I could stand it no longer. Bad Motherfucker Pictures it was. I could still have my joke at Cannes. But the name meant nothing to me anymore. And Thus Leonard retained his final say.

But soon none of that shit would matter anymore.

Lights! Camera!?

2010-02-18T13:54:00.001-08:00

So now we had it all. A script. A Director with Final say. A Website, Actors, Locations and possible DVD Sales outlets. What we didn’t have still was a camera. We were getting ready to roll and nothing to film it with. Cameras were expensive and rentals of cameras were just as costly.. Our options at that point were to buy a camera for 3 grand. Or rent one for half that. The rental was for a limited time only which would rush our shoots. If we needed to reshoot wed have to rent the camera again. At the point we would have paid what the camera costs in rental fees. So putting up the dough and purchasing the camera seemed like the only viable action.

We had chosen an HD Digital camera because it was the emerging format and small movies like Dancer in The Dark had been fully shot in HD and looked just as good as film. Lucas also had shot Episode 2 a full digital format and was declaring small HD cameras the future.

Staring at the rising equipment costs we briefly considered shooting on film. But in the end any money we saved on a camera we’d burn right back in film and editing costs. The reality of it all began to hit us. How was all of this really going to be possible? Leonard kept assuring me he would handle it.

I had just met Serge the DP on our current project, The Lunchroom. We began to shoot the shit talk about movies, loan each other DVDs. And as luck would have it Serge also shared a similar interest in filmmaking, and a common goal to achieve success in the industry. Serge also had an available HD camera. It seemed like a perfect match and the day was saved.

Leonard though had a major objection. He didn’t know Serge. At the time they had not met. So it wasn’t personal. He just believed we had come so far and did not want to rely on anyone’s help. And a camera would be a huge deal. We’d be completely at the mercy of the owner. If he wanted to be like Cartman and say “Screw You guy’s I’m going, Home”. There would be nothing we could do. We’d be up shit’s creek. I saw Leonard’s point and conceded. A collaboration with Serge would have to wait.

Now the game was about saving and making money for this camera. I was willing to put in as much as Leonard was, but was not even considering financing everything myself. And Leonard’s car had now finally succumbed to the long daily commute to The Answer Group and he was saving up for that. So now the quickest way to make the money was going to be tax returns. When Tax time rolled around Leonard opted to upgrade his computer system instead. He claimed he would need a better PC for editing. But I knew the truth, He was back to chasing the dragon. Literally. The Master of All MMORPG’s was calling his name. World Of Warcraft.

This was the beginning of the end.

Motion Picture Soundtrack

2010-02-17T15:13:00.001-08:00

Coming Soon! From the Makers of Sifting and the Tennis Movie, exclaimed the Last Call website. We had begun to hype ourselves and everyone around us with all this buzz and news of the going ons, about the actors who we were getting ready to rehearse, the locations and the Soundtrack.

Doing the rewrite I had carefully crafted a soundtrack to suit the film. It featured songs that were integral to the plot, as well as songs that provided mood music. We knew we could never get all these artists to sign off on their music. But I didn’t care, we were making this film primarily for us. And we’d make two cuts. One For Festival inclusion and one for sale without the music. Or at least that’s how the argument Leonard and I had on the subject ended.

The soundtrack to the film is as follows:

All the song names are clickable and take you to a video.

1. Long Beach Dub All-Stars – Rolled Up

2. The Busters – Come On

3. Will Smith – Miami

4. Kenny Rogers – The Gambler

5. Fat Boy Slim – Praise You

6. Earth Wind and Fire – Let’s Groove Tonight

7. Everclear – Santa Monica

8. Little Steven and the Disciples of Soul – Inside of Me

9. rage against the machine – Sleep Now In the Fire

10. Mazzy Star – Fade in To You

11. Nine Inch Nails – The Day the World Went Away

12. Nine Inch Nails – The Day the World Went Away (Quiet)

13. U2 – If God Will Send His Angels

14. The Mighty mighty Bosstones – Rudie Can’t Fail.

15. Sponge – Speed Racer

16. Korn – Got The Life

17. Iggy Pop – The Passenger

18. Pat Benatar – Love Is a Battlefield

19. Skanic – Last Call

After all that, If you’re still wanting the most awesome soundtrack ever. Click HERE for a Download. Available for a Limited Time Only.

A Band Apart

2010-02-16T14:05:00.001-08:00

So there we were, a deadline fast approaching and our friendship on the line. It was all riding on me to turn in this script within 30 days. That was all the time I had been allotted. Leonard patiently awaited for me to pass the baton. He said as soon as he received the script and read it he would commence the ball rolling. I got to say I felt that not only did I walk up to the plate, I knocked it out of the park. I delivered it ahead of schedule. The script had not only a beginning but it was much smoother read, it had developed some heart and the ending would foreshadow real events to come. But more on that later.

For now I was handing Leonard my script. The first full length feature I had ever written. My first baby. I felt I had learned from the mistakes of the past regarding “Sifting” and was fully prepared for him to nurture it into being. I refused to argue it into a shallow grave.

So there I was, offering my script for the world to see. Since this was semi-auto-biographical, I was baring part of my soul. Hoping to garner my film making partner’s approval.

And what does that mofo do? Notes. He made notes! On 3x5 index cards he made attempts to correct how I felt things should go. Particular phrasings and situations. Challenge my artistic vision. And what’s worse he was threatening to cut the opening. Mutilate my creation. Maybe I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was to let go.

I sincerely had my doubt on the project at this point. Then Leonard reintroduced me to an old friend.

He had hijacked my copy of the book for several years. I was astonished to see it again. I was overjoyed as someone who was final reconnecting with an abducted love one. I took this as a good omen. You usually never see anything again, that you’ve loaned to Leonard.

From then on things seemed to move along smoothly. After convincing Leonard just shoot everything as it is on Paper and make the magic happen in the editing room. After all we weren’t a major Hollywood studio bleeding millions of dollars a day on production. We planned on shooting on HD video so no film was being wasted. Leonard had situated himself as director/producer and put himself in charge of every minute detail. Working on our current short feature “The Lunchroom” i now appreciate what a monumental task this was. He haggled with the printers to get a better rate at bounded copies of the script. He set up a domain name and website. And he said that I was in charge of the content on the website. We settled on the domain LastCallMiami Dot Com.

I worked on a Logo for the site

and movie

There was even a DVD mockup. Leonard then setup casting auditions through craigslist. We were amazed at the number of people that responded to work in front of the camera and behind the scenes. We hired a production assistant in the form of our friend and co-worker Quisqueya to help us sort through all the madness.

We began to scout possible shooting locations. We knew we wanted to shoot in Coconut Grove.

The script revolved heavily on music. Many different styles. From Hip-Hop to Ska to DJ’s. We knew we needed a band in the movie. We pursued Vanessa Diaz of the band shortStack to play the lead female character. We went to one of her shows to scout out her band.

Leonard networked with a local singer/songwriter in the hopes of collaborating on the score.

It was amazing to see this usually introverted anti-social guy, making moves left and right. Saying I was Proud if my friend doesn’t quite cover it. It was more of an admiration at his new found determination. Fueled by support from friends, family and our coworkers at The Answer Group. It truly seemed like for the first time it could become a possibility.

And then, like a clichéd Vh1 Behind the Music episode, it all went horribly wrong…

Last Call?

2010-02-16T00:32:00.001-08:00

I had kept busy since the failure behind Sifting. I had begun to note down semi-autobiographical scripts loosely based on various misadventures in my life. It began with a novel i started in High School, simply titled, “The Book”. The new stories would all interconnect somehow, somewhere down the road. It was supposed to be huge sprawling saga that I hope would emulate Jack Kerouac’s body of work but simply began echoing Kevin Smith’s View Askew-niverse.

If I worked at Fast Food restaurant, there was a script about it. If I vacationed in Germany there was a script about it. If I had a crush on a girl she’d be a major character. And so I went, writing down ideas, but I never completed any of it. There always something else distracting me. That is how Last Call came to be. At the time Leonard and I worked at a Major South Florida Grocery outlet. There was many colorful characters that worked there and many awkward and interesting things would happen to them. Odd sexual pairings, violent outbreaks and even a murder conviction were all fodder for our script entitled “The Last Temptation of Joe Brown”. The story of a simple ordinary guy who would be tested by the Lord in the form of a Jesus-loving girlfriend and tempted by evil in the form of conniving assistant store manager. This project was a favorite of ours and someday I will return to it. But back then I was sidetracked by the idea behind Last Call. Leonard’s rocky relationship with his then girlfriend and now wife.

I knew we needed something we could shoot. We couldn’t shoot Joe Brown without having access to a Grocery Store and a cast of characters. It would be a script we could never finance ourselves so I set it outside, and thought about what i had to work with. I had access to friends and The Great Outdoors. The Great Outdoors just happened to be Miami, Florida one of the most popular cities in the world, and one that has not be seen to much on film yet. Who better to tell stories about the Magic City then someone who travelled on public transportation and on feet. I certainly knew it better than Will Smith.

So I put pen to paper and Last Call was born. The title taken from track 9 on the Skanic album of the same name. The film centered around four friends. Three dealing with recent breakups and the fourth on a quest for love, with Miami as the background. I culled my memories and personal life along with the experiences of my friends. And whenever possible I embellished. Because I never got the nerve to ask Kristy out and that girl who tried to trick us into becoming Scientologists, well she didn’t go home with Eric.

I finished the script in record time. I wrote it on bus benches, in the break room at work. Wherever I could steal a spare moment. But when it was over, I took it and stuck it on a drawer. Never to be seen again.

Cut to 4 years later: Leonard and I sat at a Denny’s restaurant eating lunch. He was lamenting the fact that he had given up his job at Channel 7. It may not have paid as well as he liked, but at least he was in the business. We both were now working for The Answer Group, a mind numbing, soul crushing concentration camp thinly disguised as honest labor. It was killing out spirits. It really began to hurt to go to work. I was becoming ill and Leonard began to develop job stress. But we gladly cashed the checks from the bastards that were destroying us. Hell it was more money than either of us had ever earned up until that point. What was really sticking in Leonard’s craw that day at lunch was that former Channel 7 co-workers of his had completed their first short movie, and were now making the festival rounds. I confided in him of a cousin who i met a few times growing up and had never showing any interest or care in films or filmmaking was now a high level executive at Paramount Studios. So if these people had achieved this success, what was stopping us from even completing a film?

I began discussing each one of our failing points. How lazy we were, how afraid we were to take risks. Scared To put money where our mouths were. Now that we had a better sort of pay, I at least had some disposable income and yet still did not own a real camera. I never finished any scripts. And even the ones I did finish, Sifting, Last Call and Donk Pirates, they just sat there unable to take the next step into becoming a movie. Leonard had his own demons, which included online gaming. Mmorpg’s like Anarchy Online consumed hours of his life each day.

We decided that Enough was Enough. “We had to get busy living or get busy dying” and by dying we meant living the rest of our lives in mediocrity, Institutionalized. We decided that at that moment we would take every bit of energy we had and focus it on making this film. I then made a declaration. I said we would return to that spot, That Denny’s the following year and if we had nothing to show for the past years work we would end dissolve our friendship. Over a decade of friendship we had and it had not taken us one inch. What reason did we have to remain friends, we barely saw each other outside of work anymore. Maybe putting our friendship on the line would become the motivator. The thing that would light a fire under our ass.

Leonard had now asked for my 4 year old script. And I asked for some time. I needed to polish it, type it up. And above all make it filmable for two dudes on a budget. He reminded me of my earlier declaration, and said he would give me 30 days. Thirty days and our friendship would be over. He doubted me. I doubted myself, could I complete the rework/rewrite of the script? Or would this be the “Last Call” for our friendship?

Sifting

2010-02-14T16:51:00.001-08:00

When I learned that Leonard also wanted to be a filmmaker it should have been one if those aha moments in life. Instead it was more like "Oh so you wanted to make movies? I was here first."
At the time Leonard was enrolled in a production class over at FIU. He had access to some video equipment and I came along to help him out on his class project. It was a multi angle shot of a tennis serve. We would from then on pad our film credits and refer to it as The tennis movie. But it was hardly a movie. But a B+ grade in a class I wasn't even enrolled in.

We then decided to tackle our very own film short. We had very limited funds and zero access to locations. So I wrote a script with that in mind. I wrote Sifting. The title lifted from a Nirvana song, it was less a short movie and more a long monologue. Assisting us on this project was Eric our long time friend. We used his house as our base of operations and decided to shoot on location near his home.

I never felt like I had full support of my crew on the script. Perhaps it wasn't perfect, but no one else had written anything, so we went full speed ahead on 'Sifting'

We storyboarded the entire project. Not in a way where we were visualizing our shots. But just to layout how everything was going to be shot. Not one if us could draw, but that wasn't the problem with storyboards. They played out like a comic book adaptation of a stage play.

The fighting began shortly thereafter. I had an idea of how the film played in my head. Leonard just wanted to shoot it like a television commercial. His teacher had taught him to avoid all the gimmicky camera angles.
I was trying to explain there was a differrence between gimmicks and style.

The script revolved around a fictionalized version of Eric and a fictional friend named Fogerty who was an amalgamized version of Leonard and I. He was the best and the worst of us and he is much much cooler than the both of us.

Eric had been tapped to play Eric. But we needed our Fogerty. I felt unable to play the character and Leonard then volunteered to play him. This also didn't mesh well with my vision of the character.

There was a third character in the script called Angry Motorist. I always figured we'd get Eric's father to play this character. Eric didn't feel like asking his dad, so Leonard too volunteered to play this character. Which meant he would essentially be talking to himself the while movie.

Every objection I raised, was quickly shut down with the simple reasoning that I was only the writer. And the vision of the film belonged solely to the Director. Which of course was Leonard.

But still I was ecstatic to be shooting my very first film soon. I was told the date was fast approaching.

And one day I recieved a phone call from Leonard.

"Hey I got the camera! Are you ready to shoot?"

I sat quiet on the other end of my the phone. Then I responded. "I'm at the Warped Tour"

Leonard had assumed I would be available at any time and failed to divulge his plan. His inability to keep others in the loop Is one of his biggest faults to this day. He graduated his production class and took a job working for Channel 7.

Now not only did we not have a camera but we also were short on something else: Time.

And just like that the dream had died.

Rebel Without a Crew

2010-02-12T23:11:00.001-08:00

Since I was a kid, I’ve been in love with the idea of making movies. I read everything I could on the subject. From the history of Universal monster movies to the making of Star Wars. I also watched as many movies as I could, foreign flicks, samurai movies, westerns anything that would hold my interest and that I could learn from. I would also spend hours making music video clips, by putting my favorite scenes from movies to song. I loved playing with video cameras, but even though I had one in the house, my access to it was limited, I was just not allowed any where near it, for the simple reason I was a kid. Kids today are lucky. They have cameras on their mp3 players, game systems and cell phones.

I had to shoulder the weight of a monster sized camera similar to this one:

And it used full size VHS tapes. (the one pictured is a betamax version)

So your movie can come straight from the camera into the VCR no problem.

If I heard there was a film being shot nearby, i would make it my mission to see what I could. I visited shooting locations for Miami Vice episodes, the movie set of the Specialist hoping to catch a glimpse of Stallone, I even got to meet Bill Murray on a shooting location for Wild Things at the federal courthouse in Miami.

But what do you do with this love of cinema, achieve this dream realistically without any money or support from family. Film school isn’t free, and even if you graduate there weren’t many career opportunities in South Florida at the time. It was an unachievable goal in my mind. Something my mother scoffed at and my stepfather ridiculed.

I didn’t live in Los Angeles so I couldn’t network connections and start at some low level entry gofer position. I didn’t have anything to sell to finance my film project. The days of the independent theatre owners were coming to an end, so finding financing for your film was becoming an impossibility. Basically all I had was a dream. A dream taunted by the successes of Robert Rodriguez, Quentin Tarantino and Kevin Smith. None of these guys had gone to film school, each found their success in different ways. And made hugely popular and successful films on a very limited budget. They made it seem so easy and attainable. I was a frequent poster at Kevin Smith’s old WWWBoard and I realized he wasn’t so much as a great filmmaker, as he was a good writer who took a shot. Threw something out there that had caught one single solitary persons eye, who then passed it on the Weinstein’s at Miramax. Moviemaking seemed almost like a shot in the dark, But you first had to be willing to pull the trigger.

But where do you start? I had no fucking clue still. Until I found this book.

It’s a fantastic read and I recommend it to anyone, whether they are interested in filmmaking or not. It changed my life. Or at least my way of thinking. Robert Rodriguez made El Mariachi for the Mexican film market with no intention of it ever being released in the US. He spent 7,000 to make the film and made it look like he had spent several hundred thousand. It became an indie sensation. I personally always thought It was a cheesy Mexican melodrama, but I speak Spanish and therefore realized how awful the acting was. But now Robert Rodriguez had gone on to make Desperado and From Dusk Til Dawn. He had become a major Hollywood player like his book said. The most important lessons he imparts is to not waste any money on Film School. If you want to be a filmmaker, stop saying you want to be one and say “You Are a filmmaker”. And get out there and shoot. It doesn’t matter if its a documentary or some little movie you made in your basement with friends. Just keep making films.

So that was the new plan. Get out there and shoot. But I still lacked confidence and a camera. I felt I needed help. I would soon learn that my best friend Leonard had a similar dream.

Halloween Horror Nights 2008

2009-09-16T12:47:00.001-07:00

I didn’t take a lot of terribly good pictures of the 2008 Halloween Horror Nights trip.

For those that didn’t make the trip last year. The following movies would approximate the adventure.

The Punisher 2004 – Event Horizon – Doomsday – Jaws 3

– Ready To Rumble

Our First stop was Busch Gardens Howl-O-Scream in Tampa. It was fucking exhausting keeping up with Eric’s nightmare pace. He kept dragging me from one end to the other without giving me a chance to enjoy the atmosphere. There was some decent houses but I didn’t get a chance to hit all of them up. Here are a few of the decent snapshots of the houses I was able to take. Sorry for the bad picture quality, but I had to rely on the iPhone 3G without an external light source, I did not have the camera charged,

The next morning just like the Punisher I took a stroll through the mean streets of Tampa. Hit up a comics shop and a record store.

I was surprised to see Books and Music had a lot of old stock from Peaches Records and Tapes the now defunct music store that I spent a lot of my youth loitering in.

I picked up a few books, one of which was Box Office Poison by Alex Robinson

A fantastic read about the adventures of young adults in New York City. Mostly dealing with growing up and getting past that quarter-life crisis we deal with when friends start coming out of college and beginning interesting lives and careers and we just sit there seemingly going nowhere, merely wasting days.

We then headed over the Bay to St. Pete.

I was very curious about St. Petersburg because I’ve been mulling about the idea of moving there. Imagining a simpler and cheaper life, still living near the ocean, instead of the Atlantic, the Gulf of Mexico. We stopped of at one of the beaches to check it out.

The water was some of the bluest I’ve seen close to land. And crystal clear, tiny schools of fish were visible at the shore.

Our next stop would be Universal Studios.

We hooked up with my brother and some of his friends. Once again a lack of pictures, also very little time to enjoy the park. Long lines and and an early closing time kept us moving about.

We did get to see the new Simpsons Ride. And Haunted Houses based on Doomsday and Event Horizon.

The next day we hit up Sea World.

Where we got to see all sorts of aquatic life. And drink loads of free beer.

The best part though was the Shark Encounter.

Which featured an underwater shark tunnel, very different than the fictionalized one in Jaws 3.

and we ate at the Sharks Underwater Grill.

I kept hoping for a Great White to pop out through the glass and bite someone..

We Concluded the two day Sea World Saga with some Sea World Skeeball. My lifetime obsession with this crap game continues.

We moved back to Universal Studios for a taping of TNA Impact.

Got to see ODB

The newly arrived Booker T

and the debut of Mick Foley.

All in all it was a great four day trip and a much needed vacation at the time.

I am Looking forward to Halloween Horror Nights 2009, which at the time of this writing starts next Friday.

Horror Movie A Day: Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter

2009-09-15T08:47:00.001-07:00

This review centers around the 1974 Hammer Studios Picture, Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter.

As if the title alone wouldn’t pique your interest, how’s this hodgepodge that make up the ingredients in our film. We got a sexy gypsy girl who likes to dance on Sunday and screw every other living moment she gets, a genius hunchback that’s a cross between James Bond’s Q and Buffy’s Giles and just as equally an English gentlemen. And then there’s Kronos himself, a captain in her Majesty’s army who returned home from the wars, to be greeted by a kiss from his mother and younger sister. A Vampire's kiss on the neck. First he slew them, then he devoted the rest of his life to destroying the Vampire menace, with his trusty Japanese Katana,

Kronos is cool, handsome and debonair. He is the 19th century English equivalent of Shaft. He’s a man of few words and all types of action. If' he’s not busy giving it to the ladies, he’s resting to save up his strength to fight Vampires. He’s been called to the village of an old friend, a doctor who’s sewed up our hero’s wounds once or twice before. Young girls have gone missing and in their place, old crones have been found. Kronos suspects it is a vampire, as there are many different types of Vampires. This one is a youth Vampire, stealing the young maiden’s most precious gifts. Just as there are many types of vampires there are many different ways to kill them. It’s hilarious to see them try every single form on one particular Vampire.

This movie is crazy fun and highly enjoyable. It never takes itself too seriously. But doesn’t let the camp get in the way of the terror. this isn’t a comedy. The ending is a swashbuckling scene with no rival. a Vampire who’s a former grand master sword fighting champion ahs returned to life. The only one who can stop him is Captain Fucking Kronos: Vampire Hunter.

If you want to see a film that Buffy the Vampire Slayer owes its roots too, admittedly or not. this is it. This is the film Van Helsing should have been.

I recommend this to children of all ages, Buffy fans, and anyone who is a fan of comic books. I give it three Hunchback Henchmen.

Horror Movie A Day: Martin

2009-09-14T10:56:00.001-07:00

(I missed a review yesterday, but not a movie. Expect a catch-up review shortly.)

Today’s movie is a very modern Vampire tale from George Romero director of Night of the Living dead and it’s many sequels. Martin is an 84 year old Vampire. The sunlight only slightly bothers his eyes, he doesn’t have any fangs, or at least he doesn’t use them, and he doesn’t have any super strength or any vampire powers whatsoever. He uses drug filled needles to subdue his victims. But he does drink blood. He gets the shakes if he doesn’t. He stalks his prey like any vicious predator, he takes him time to make sure he doesn’t screw anything up. He can’t afford to screw up, if he doesn’t get his blood he gets the shakes. His mind is bombarded with Vampire flashbacks, from his early days as a Vampire. Or so we think at first. As the movie progresses we realize that maybe Martin isn’t who he thinks he is. And that his flashbacks aren’t memories, but visions that his deluded mine has created, visions that resemble and parody old monster movies.

Maybe Martin is insane, and his belief that he is a vampire and that he needs the blood to live, has turned him into a serial killer, a real life monster. But if he is crazy he’s not the only one. Martin lives with his elderly cousin, an old world European type, who wholeheartedly believes Martin is Nosferatu. And that the family curse is his burden to bear. He must be Martin’s caretaker. But he will not tolerate his nocturnal activities in their small hometown. Martin works a part-time job at his cousin’s store delivering groceries. He strikes up a friendship with a desperate housewife, that turns sexual. She enjoys the company since her husbands been neglecting her, It’s a new experience for Martin as he has never been close with a woman before with out all the bloodletting.

This is a low-budget film and it looks it. Its shot with 1 camera with many friends and family of the crew starring in the picture. I’m not going to lie and say it looks expensive, but it just goes to show you don’t need a $100 million dollar budget to make a shocking and thought provoking film. Hell Romero probably shot this under a 100k. The opening sequence of the film is a tense, Martin stalks a lady aboard a train. He gets into her private room and tussles with her for what goes on forever. Martin can barely overpower, and you feel bad for the lady but you also don’t want him to get caught. You also wonder with the quality of the rest of the film, if Romero and his crew were also in danger of getting caught. I don’t think they had permission to soot a murder scene on the train.

This is a hell of a film and You’ll feel like Freud analyzing not just Martin and his family, but everyone in the film has issues that could be worked out with an weekly session at the shrink. You also start to wonder why you root for Martin, being that he is a murderer. You suspect it’s because he was driven to that by his crazy ass family. Martin’s closest modern day counterpart is Showtime’s Dexter. And just like with Dexter you start to believe this serial killer is the sanest person in the film. Then you get to the very shocking end, which validates this thought.

It’s an amazing film and Romero proves he can do something other than Zombies. This is just a good a film as Dawn of the Dead, if not better. Because days later you'll still be thinking about Martin. I recommend it to all in search of a realistic portrayal of Vampires and George Romero fans.

I give it 3 Vamp energy drinks.

Horror Movie A Day: Bram Stroker’s Dracula

2009-09-12T13:37:00.001-07:00

Today’s movie is a live action cartoon directed by Francis Ford Coppola, supposedly based on the original novel by Bram Stroker. The hype machine following this movie was successful enough that It made rock stars out of Gary Oldman, Dracula, and Bram Stoker. People believed in the power of this movie, simply because of the attached byline that read “Bram Stroker’s” As if that in itself was supposed to mean something. As if he personally endorsed this version. The man had been dead exactly 80 years at this point and post young Americans who flocked to this movie had never even heard of him. Even the real Dracula Vlad the Impaler must have got himself a publicist, because there was a great deal of attention focused on him as well. He even got his own comic book.

I have to confess, that I waited 17 years to see this movie. I hate overhype. It sort of ruins the movie for me. The whole experience is tainted. This is why I avoid trailers and reviews and I try to see a film on opening weekend. So that friends and associates don’t spoil me not just with plot details, but there emotions after watching it. There’s nothing worse than being told a movie is fan-fucking-tastic and in the end all you’ve got is “Underworld”. But is 17 years long enough? I’ve had the bluray in my possession 2 years and still have been unable to watch it, Finally i forced myself to watch it. And I said to myself this, This cartoon is what lives on in the memory of people as the best Dracula ever made? because it was “realistic” and not Bela Lugosi hamming it up? You got to be fucking kidding me. Bram Stroker’s Dracula? Hell this isn’t even what one would imagine Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula would be. No this is Tim Burton’s Dracula. If he took it way too seriously. Imagine the disasters Sleepy Hollow and Sweeney Todd would be if Johnny Depp and Burton did not play it with the usual tongue in cheek style.

By now you think I hate this film and this is a negative review. And it might have been the case. But then something happened. Circumstances arose and I was unable to finish the movie in one sitting. By now we had entered the part where Gary Oldman’s Dracula had found Winona Ryder’s Mia and their chemistry just exploded onto the screen. Like Mia i too was desperate to get back to Dracula. It’s an enjoyable film with many many flaws. Least of all the horrible acting by Keanu Reeves. In the film he has an atrocious English accent, that made its way from Southern California. He travels to Transylvania to sell Dracula some property. We discover that his fiancé Mina Murray is the spitting image of Dracula’s long dead wife, Elizabeta. Dracula keeps Keanu from returning to London and leaves him trapped at the castle at the mercy of his Vampire Brides. Completely drained of blood and spirit Keanu escapes and soon begins the most interesting of all subplots of the film, The Saga of Jonathan Harker’s hair. After he escapes Keanu’s hair turns grey, but at many points on the film, it becomes snow white, and back to his original hair color then back to grey again.

The film also features Sir Anthony Hopkins an almost lunatic with no scruples, Van Helsing. Its interesting how similar in tone and design Hopkins Van Helsing is to Hugh Jackman’s Van Helsing. They are both rugged handsome versions of the character, They both sport long hair, duster coats and similar hats. They are alike right down to the ascot. Though they are both playing the same character, they can certainly pass for father and son.

The movie follows the same plot of almost any version of Dracula, except for the love story. It only begins to differ at the end when they track Dracula back to Transylvania in an attempt to destroy him and save Mina (now) Harker. The climax of the story involves Neo, Hannibal Lecter, The Dread Pirate Roberts and the Rocketeer chasing down Dracula to his very doorstep, in an almost wild west western picture of the 1930’s.

I recommend it if you’ve never seen it. The cast and crew must have been outright bonkers when making it and turned out one gonzo movie. You swear Oldman is fucking insane half way through this and plays Dracula, not only as a creepy old count but as a sympathetic young prince too. You never know whether you should fear him or feel sorry for him. It’s not quite Bram Stroker’s Dracula. The closest is still the original for me. Except for its contemporary (at the time) style. But it’s still a good film you’ll probably watch more than a few times. It’s sexy, scary and one hell of an adventure. Strong performances from Hopkins, and Oldman and surprisingly Winona Ryder will keep parts of this film timeless. After all it’s the only film in recent history with a werewolf rape scene.

I give it two and half Vlad’s.

Horror Movie A Day: 30 Days of Night

2009-09-11T11:51:00.001-07:00

Today’s film is 30 Days of Night, The film pitch that became a comic that became a movie. Its a great modern vampire horror story with a twist. In all myth and legend Vampire are severely affected by Sunlight. Either they are severely weakened or destroyed when Dawn breaks. But what if there is no sunlight? In 30 Days of Night, renegade vamps tired of hiding in the shadows and feeding on whatever comes their way, decide to lay siege to a Northern Alaskan town where there is no Sun for you guessed it, 30 days. The film plays out between your usually human squabbles, the towns sheriff is going through a bad breakup with the towns fire marshal. He doesn’t seem to get along with his little brother and everyone else is wondering why the fire marshal is leaving the sheriff. The Vampires don’t give a crap about any of this, and neither do we, the human are just cattle for them to feed on and for us to watch fall one by one with no emotional attachment to them. The town’s initial destruction is great fun, But then the movie settles into your typical Zombie film, when they are all laid up in an attic, like the people in The Diary of Anne Frank, the film then collapses. There’s no real plot anymore beyond survival. Everyone’s get sick of the old guy’s whining and the macho men keep butting heads. The real danger isn't the vampire horde waiting for them outside but the stupidity of men inside. Even under life threatening situations we can’t get along. Where we should be as one, their tiny community starts to break down, and the survivors start to drop like flies. It’s been done many times before, so these situations they find themselves in are just asinine. You start to wonder if the people in these types of horror movies have EVER seen a horror movie. Because their fate is always the same.

The movie not only has its share of fright, but fast paced action too, with chase scenes full of destruction and mayhem. it’s beautifully shot in a remote Alaskan location most of us will never have the chance of seeing. I liked movies that bring you something new, even in this day and age. The movie works on many levels but it also fails on a few too. Mainly we don’t give a rat’s ass about any of the characters. The leads are just too damn pretty to sympathize for. Josh Hartnett who usually delivers okay performances, just seems weak as the heartbroken sheriff. So your wife is leaving you, boohoo your Josh Hartnet, there's plenty of hot Eskimo babes to console you, I assure you of that my friend. And the fire marshal leaving him? Oh so you're tired of him being withdrawn and not feeling a real connection. He’s a damned small town sheriff in Alaska. He went there to get away from people, cut him some slack. He probably is incapable of connecting to other humans. The rest of the supporting cast offers no comfort. They are interchangeable with every horror movie cast ever made. The most interesting characters are the Vampires, and they don’t even speak English. They just Grunt, shriek and speak in some ancient language. But they at least show a full range of emotions, from disgust and contempt to sorrow and vengeance.

I definitely recommend this movie. The vampires aren’t pretty, they are grotesque, immoral and they kill with impunity. There’s plenty of action and gore. The film brings us fresh ideas into Vampire movies, such as the town with no daylight, and the ending where one character willingly changes into Vampire to put an end to the madness. There’s even a great scene with a child vampire feeding on corpses. Any Vampire and action fans will like this movie despite its flaws. The film also look fantastic in BluRay Hi-Def the colors are vibrant and pop out at you. Especially the red blood against the white snow.

I give it Two and a Half Trade paperbacks.

Horror Movie A Day: Blacula

2009-09-10T20:30:00.001-07:00

Today’s film is Blacula! The Black Avenger! According to the Trailer, Blacula is Dracula’s soul brother! Deadlier and More terrifying than Dracula!

William Marshall, The King of Cartoons, plays Prince Mamawalde of the Ibani tribe, an uppity negro who comes to Transylvania, spouting demands at Count Dracula. Talkin’ bout it’s time to abolish slavery, Count Drac, ya dig? The Count outraged at the Prince’s defiance in the presence of white company, starts macking on the Prince’s wife right in front of him. The Prince was like, Have You lost your damned mind Drac? i ain’t gonna stand for this shit. So Dracula takes a bite out of the Prince, seals him in a coffin never able to satisfy his bloodlust. He curses him with his name, and he shall forever be known As Blacula!

The movie picks up at least 100 years later in the swinging 70’s. Two gay antique dealers have just swooped in on a deal to buy Count Dracula's summer home. They find Blacula’s coffin and are excited about its kitschy value, they decide to crack it open. Blacula attacks them and in the process converts them into Vampires. Scientific Investigator Dr. Gordon Thomas, the films Black Van Helsing, starts investigating the strange murders happening around town. Because the victims are predominantly black he accuses the police of mishandling the investigation and overlooking the telltale signs of a vampire attack. The police try to blame the whole thing on gang activity and the Black Panthers. Eventually Blacula is drawn to young Tina, the spitting image or reincarnation of his African bride and also happens to be Dr. Thomas’ sister in law. Even though The good doctor has all sorts of PhD's and is a forensic super cop, what finally tips him off to the true identity of Blacula, is that nifty vampire cape Blacula’s wearing. Armed with this knowledge Dr. Thomas must stop Blacula’s reign of terror and save young Tina.

This film is fantastic. It won the very first Saturn Award for best Horror film back in 1972. Rated PG, It’s not that scary anymore, but it still has a decent plot, some creepy vampires, and great use of low budget special effects. It also has some top notch acting by the classically trained William Marshall, giving it his all in this absurd exploitation piece. The juxtaposition between William Marshall and characters such as Skillet the neighborhood playa is just bizarre

“Are we ready for our next Cartoon?”

The movie is far from perfect. The writing is full of cheap pops to get a rise out of the mostly black audiences. The trailer describes Blacula as the Black avenger, beating up on white cops. Maybe Blacula isn't such a bad guy after all, his only victims? Two gay guys and an annoying cab driver. He himself is the victim here, first by Dracula, and then by the police. After all they’re trying to kill him, and keep him away from his beloved Tina. One of the funniest things in the movie is that this 200 year old vampire prince from a remote African tribe, played by a classically trained actor William Marshall, having to run away in fear from police sirens. Even Blacula has to run from the po-po.

I have to recommend this movie wholeheartedly to fans of Pee Wee’s Playhouse, Vampires, and Blaxploitation cinema. It's full of adventure and cheap pops. not to mention unintentional humor from the 1970’s era. Plus it also has a few firsts a Vampire of color and its the predecessor to modern Vampire films. While Blacula is an ancient, he’s still going around town, hitting the clubs and knocking boots with sexy chicks. Blacula, his Bite is Outta Sight.

I give it THREE nifty Vampire capes.

Horror Movie A Day: From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money

2009-09-09T11:27:00.001-07:00

Robert Rodriguez is a huge fan boy. Every time he release a film he promises at least a trilogy full of sequels. Whether we want them or not, We got El Mariachi Trilogy, Spy Kids, From Dusk Till Dawn and even Sin City is in the works. I’m still waiting for his promised The Faculty sequels. I don’t think he’s short on ideas, there’s plenty of good scripts in Hollywood, he just wants to see all his projects come to fruition. Like any good fan boy eh watches a movie comes out and dreams up what’s next, except he’s in a position to make those “what's next dreams” happen.

I remember being completely excited at the thought of the From Dusk Till Dawn Sequels. Quentin was going to write one and Robert was going to direct it, and Robert was going to write one for Quentin to direct. That never came to pass. Instead we got the first sequel, three years later, direct-to-video, from Director Scott Spiegel, who’s never done anything interesting before or since. Even though you can tell that Robert Rodriguez storyboarded most of this, the film still felt very static, sadly due to Spiegel simple style.

The box art seems very promising, the T-1000 Vs. Vampires. And that big Mexican dude who was in the first one. But sadly he was in it even less than Bruce Campbell. Who had a small cameo with Tiffany Amber Thiesen. Their three minute cameo takes place at the very beginning. Check it out below.

The movie centers around Robert Patrick getting together a crew to rob a Mexican bank full of Gringo drug money. The only time the movie refers to the eponymous Texas Blood Money is in a phone cal. A nice twist would have been the Gringo drug dealers to show up and defend their money alongside the police. But the movie is never that smart, it’s clever title refers only to the blood sucking vampires that attack Robert Patrick's crew. Much like the original film, good guys and bad guys have to get together to ward of the vampires. That's pretty much the only connection to the original, that and a throwaway reference to the Gecko Brothers and a short visit to the Titty Twister bar that was the site of the first film.

The movie isn’t all bad. It’s actually quite fun. I’m of the mindset if a horror movie can't have a decent story or acting, then it should just throw everything else on the wall and see what sticks. It can be bloody and gory but above else it should be fun. This movie plays well, you don’t need to invest a lot to enjoy it. It can easily play in the background if you want to do something else. It has a few good scares and tense moments at the beginning. But when it becomes a heist movie, it stops being scary, and becomes borderline ridiculous, but still enjoyable. It’s taken me ten years to sit down and actually watch this film, partly because it was much maligned by critics, and I didn’t want to ruin the first one by watching a poorly made sequel. I doubt I’ll be remembering much of this beyond Bruce Campbell’s cameo, but it did have some good ideas behind it that might have been better used in the first film. There was an eclipse that allowed the Vampires to come out in the day, the bat cam, and the very unique bite cam and the brim of the hat cam, not to mention lots of great camera placement, all due to Robert Rodriguez no doubt, and while the dialogue wasn't so interesting it did have some colorful character actors to spout them, which made it bearable. For a boring Sunday afternoon, it sure helped pass the time.

I’ll never watch it again. But I’m not sorry I did. I recommend this to fans of the original, it doesn’t taint it in anyway,

I give it 2 and a half big Mexicans.

Horror Movie A Day: Salem’s Lot

2009-09-08T12:07:00.001-07:00

Today’s selection is the 1979 miniseries, Salem’s Lot, based on the novel by Stephen King, starring Hutch from Starsky and Hutch. A lot of people my age and younger are familiar with the 112 minute quick-paced international cut. It was the one shown on cable and released on VHS home video. I only wish I had been watching that version. This version sits pretty at the 3 Hour Mark. Back in 1979 with Commercials it ran for four hours, split into two nights. That probably would have been easier to take. But to watch this in one sitting is a chore. Nothing terrifying starts to happen until the 50 minute mark. You’re probably saying to yourself, well Stephen King novels tend to be wordy and full of exposition, they need extra time to flesh out the story. If that we’re the case, I’d be right there with you. But it’s not, they never really touch on any of the other themes in the novel, they stick to vampires here and your usual horror movie shenanigans. You got the doomsayer warning everyone and your usual cast of non believer’s making him feel stupid for scene after grueling scene.

The movie begins with two men in South American church. They’re refilling their vials of holy water and believe that they have been discovered. The movie flashes back to 2 years earlier, in the small town of Jerusalem’s Lot. A couple of newcomers have arrived. A pair of antique dealers, Straker and Barlow, that have the town abuzz with the new shop they are getting ready to open, and Ben Mears (played by David Soul aka Hutch) author and former resident of Salem’s Lot. He has returned to write a book about the town’s haunted house that struck a chord with him when he was a child. A house that is currently being leased by Straker and Barlow.

Children begin to disappear and others are having nightmares, and waking up tired and weakened. Many are rushed to the hospital with cases of anemia. It quickly becomes apparent that the town has a Vampire that is infecting the resident’s who are in turn attacking their own families and friends. Mears believes he has been drawn back to Salem’s Lot and the house to release the town from it’s evil grip. He is joined by his former schoolteacher, the local town Doctor and a young teen into Famous Monsters and the occult. They quickly discover that Barstow, the silent partner in the antique business, is behind it all and Straker is his henchman. The film ends exactly where it begins, in a church in South America, with Hutch and the monster geek on the run from Vampires. I think this premise would have made for a great series, Hutch and the Monster Geek Vs. The Vampires.

This movie isn’t all that terrible. When the frights do come, they are still shocking 30 years later. No surprising since the director Tobe Hooper (Poltergeist, Texas Chainsaw Massacre) knows quite a thing or two about supernatural horror flicks. In a scene where Barstow enters a family’s living room, their furniture starts to move about and shake, it's very reminiscent of Poltergeist.

The head villain Kurt Barstow is a little silly as a Nosferatu clone. And his final scene is a bit anticlimactic. But you really wouldn’t expect a human to go head to toe with an ancient vampire. Unless she’s the chosen one.

But they let Straker (played by James Mason) do all the talking for him anyways. And he’s a great creepy old English bastard. A Super powered old English Bastard. He’s the only one that actually puts up a fight in the end. The film also pulls no punches, people who would live in other horror films, don’t make the cut here, They make victims and Vampires out of small children and babies!

If this was your little brother floating out the window, would you let him in?

This creepy scene with the boy floating outside the second floor window, like a possessed Peter Pan, whimsically enticing his brother to let him in will probably stick in my head for a little while. I’m reminded of the scene it inspired in the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie, where Luke Perry's friend is begging to be let inside, and Luke Perry tells him to go home. The friend begs to be let in again cause he’s hungry, and once again Luke Perry denies him and says ”Dude, You're floating! C'mon, man”

Overall this film is worthy of a viewing. For Stephen King and Vampire fans I definitely recommend it. If you can find the shorter version, I recommend it even moreso. As it stands I give it Two and a Half Stakes through the Heart.

Horror Movie a Day: Son Of Dracula

2009-09-07T11:52:00.001-07:00

Not to be outdone by his whiny little sister, Dracula’s male offspring decides to get his own movie deal with the 1943 film Son Of Dracula. He’s trying to escape his families dark past, so he decided to immigrate to America, and change his name to Count Alucard. Yes, Alucard is Dracula spelled backwards. We’ve seen it countless of times before, But this movie marks the first time its ever been done. He’s played by the great Lon Chaney, jr. who uses this role to be the only actor to get a full house in classic Universal Monsters. He played the Wolfman, Frankenstein’s Monster, Dracula, and a mummy.

Sadly though he is completely miscast here. Lon Chaney is just a big dumb American oaf type of guy. He’s got a simple down home charm. To have him play the charming and dark Count Dracula, or one of his offspring, is an insult to the audience. He’s often referred to as a foreigner by the characters in the film. The only thing foreign about him is the silly ass mustache he wore to make himself look distinguished.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t hate the film. In fact quite the opposite. It’s the best and probably most under appreciated of the Dracula Trilogy. Surely Lugosi’s Dracula is missed here. But this movie isn’t bound to a plot derived from historical or literary world. Dracula just doesn’t bumble into town to seek out new victims. Well actually he does, but its part of a plan hatched between him Katherine Caldwell. At first the audience is fooled into believing Alucard is the evil mastermind behind everything and is attempting a shortened version of a long con to acquire new property. He’s seduced a rich heiress into marriage and he is now the new Master Of The Dark Oaks plantation. There’s will be a murder, a reading of a will and a few double crosses before it’s all done. Even the count himself is double-crossed, which at that the point the film’s kicking into second gear. It’s no Usual Suspects, But you do get Keyser Soze’d.

Aside from the first usage of Alucard, this flick has the first Bat to Vampire on-screen transformation. Prior to this we’ve always just seen a cheesy bat float around on a string and then the Vampire enters the scene. In fact the film boasts quite a few good special effects, a decent mechanical bat, some nice floating effects and smoke the forms into the shape of a man before transforming into Lon Chaney, Jr. Impressive even today. Oh and the count’s sole off-screen vampire victim, is a small child. Even though we don’t get to see the attack, we do see the aftermath, something beyond the standard of decency when the first film came out in 1931.

If you’ve already seen Dracula, and the Dracula’s Daughter, then watch this and you’ll be pleasantly surprise. I recommend to anyone with an afternoon to waste, and all Dracula fans. I give this film two Count Duckula’s.

Horror Movie a Day: Dracula’s Daughter

2009-09-06T13:40:00.001-07:00

OMG! First the Hunger, Then Vampyros Lesbos and now Dracula’s Daughter brings us MORE Lesbian Vampires. This time shockingly in 1936.

After the success of Bride of Frankenstein, Universal Pictures decided to get the ball rolling with a female taking over the reins for Drac. This film is an immediate sequel to the original Bela Lugosi Dracula. It takes place just after Jonathan Harker and Mia have left Van Helsing’s side at the end of the last film. But the police have now arrived and Van Helsing has two explain the two dead bodies, Renfield with his neck broken, and Count Dracula with a stake through his heart.

I give the film credit for showing us the aftermath of the original. After many of these horror films I always wonder how the hero explains away killing all his zombified neighbors, the were wolf who just turned back into a man, or the vampire masquerading as an affluent Count. Here Van Helsing faces charges from Scotland Yard, so he requests helm from a former pupil of his. A psychiatrist turned action hero, named Dr. Garth.

Meanwhile the famous artist Countess Zaleska has come to town to take possession of Dracula’s corpse and destroy it. It seems she’s seeking release from her Vampiric curse. The movie has given us another first, the remorseful Vampire. Not sure if the world, in film or literature had been acquainted before this film with the whiny Vampire who hates his immortality, but as I suspected, Louis from Interview With A Vampire and Angel from Buffy owe their roots to a woman. They certainly bitch like one. ;)

Countess Zaleska also seeks help from Dr. Garth. She hopes to be cured, if not of Vampirism, then of her desire to kill and wants to stop being so gloomy all the time. Her undead curse is unbeknownst to Garth, so he agrees to help her with whatever is troubling her. But as a Vampire she still has to feed and she’s leaving a trail of corpses around town. Which of course Dr. Garth is investigating for his Van Helsing’s case.

Zaleska enlists the help of Sandor her creepy manservant to bring women to her. Women that serve a double purpose, first they undress and pose for her, then they become a late night snack. Unfortunately while there are strong lesbian overtones in the seduction of her prey, No contact is ever actually made with the Countess and any of her victims, male or female. While Bela Lugosi is able to approach his victims and cast a cape over them as he gets down to business, the Countess can only stare at them menacingly before the scene cuts away. We never even see fangs.

Eventually Dr. Garth puts two and two together and follows her all the way to Transylvania to stop her evil plans. By now Zaleska knows she can’t be cured, but wishes to turn the good Doctor so he can accompany her throughout eternity. Since she was never truly evil the movie uses this as reason for why she must be destroyed in the end. Sandor is now upset because the Countess had promised him immortality. And we soon learn he really has been calling the shots the whole time. He kills the Countess to stop her from turning the Doctor, and then tries to kill the doctor as well.

This movie is major letdown. While I was hoping we’d have a female villain who would be more than just a screaming plot device, like the Bride of Frankenstein. She turned out to be just a weak and ineffectual woman controlled and or pushed around by the men she encountered. First Dracula who’s grasped she wished to escape. Then the good Doctor who just pushed her out of the way a few times to learn her secrets. Where was her Vampiric strength? She couldn’t even glamour her male victims. She had to hypnotize them with jewelry. The final insult was her destruction at the hands of her jealous manservant. Hollywood would have a long way to go before offering us a strong female lead.

I definitely enjoyed this movie more than the vanilla version of Dracula. It had a decent score that kept the film moving along. And despite it sharing the exact same plotline as almost every single vampire movie ever made. It at least was innovative in offering us a Female Vampire as the headliner. Also an interesting subplot with Van Helsing, The very first remorseful Vampire, and of course the very first Lesbian Vampire scene ever. I totally recommend it to Dracula fans and lesbians.

I give the film Two Grandpa Munsters!!

Horror Movie A Day: Dracula (1931) in Spanish.

2009-09-05T05:13:00.001-07:00

For many years I’ve heard tell of a version of Dracula that came out the same year as the legendary 1931 version with Bela Lugosi. It supposedly feature the same script and set, but was filmed with a cast of Spanish speaking actors. And rumor has it, it was a vastly superior version.

Although I will admit, that Bela Lugosi is simply magnetic on screen, even to this day. I myself have never cared for the original Dracula. After the first 30 minutes or so It’s starts to drag and while I’m sure it was horrifying in it’s day, it’s just a big bore today It doesn’t hold up as well as Frankenstein, which is a much more lively and kinetic film. I have seen a version Universal put out with a Phillip Glass score that is absolutely amazing. The film at this point becomes a near masterpiece and is almost riveting. You almost wish you could turn down the other actor’s dialogue and just enjoy Lugosi with Philip Glass. But the original version has no score and therefore suffers tremendously as a result.

In the 1930’s it seems it was common practice for studios to make foreign language versions of many of their films. Not many of these survived, but Dracula luckily was one of the few. The English crew would wrap up in the evening, and the Spanish crew would come in then and work throughout the night. They had the benefits of watching the dailies every day and therefore took that opportunity to basically beat the English crew at their game. The result is a much stronger film. It’s darker, sexier, better artistic camera angles, which was a blessing at that time where most film work was static and dull. They also had an expanded running time that allowed the film to develop the storyline.

Oh and did I mention it was funnier? The Spanish cast was full of good humor and took some of the piss out of some of the absurd bits of the script. This keeps the film lively, cause it also suffers through some of the same pacing issues and lack of score. There was also some unintentional humor here as well. The actor who plays Dracula does his best, I’m sure, but he was told to mimic Lugosi to such an extent, he ends up looking like someone’s uncle Pancho in a cape.

“if you keep making that face it’s gonna stay that way”

In the end though, it’s surprisingly a decent flick, The actor who plays Renfield is amazing, The Hispanicized names are hilarious. (Jonathan Harker becomes Juan Harker). Oh and Lucy Westenra, or Lucia, doesn’t just die from the vampire’s bite. Through throwaway dialogue we’re told she awakens and becomes a mysterious lady in white who lures little children with candy and then drains their blood. No way would they have stood for this in the U.S. in 1931.

I enjoyed this and can recommend to anyone who can deal with subtitled score-less movies, or Hispanics who will get a kick out of some of the wacky dialogue chock full of Mexican slang. I give this film two Count von Count’s.

That’s two Count Von Count’s Ah-Ah-ah-ah-ah..

Horror Movie A Day: Vampyros Lesbos

2009-09-04T11:42:00.001-07:00

For those of you who are male I probably don’t have to say more than just the film’s title to have you run out to the Blockbuster in search of it. Lesbian Vampires is the only thing that will resonate though your mind throughout the rest of this review. Is Jess Franco’s 1971 horrotica classic a must see? Yes, but only so you can bring it up in conversation later.

Let’s get right down to it. The movie is schlock. Late Early 70’s psychedelic sexploitation. When the Lesbian Vampires are on screen you don’t even give a damn what else is going on. It’s almost like one of those porn movies with plot. You really just want to fast forward to the Lesbo Vampires.

The good news is you really don’t need to know what’s going on. The movie is simply a remake of Dracula. But with chicks. It follows the same plot of Jonathan Harker headed up to Castle Dracula on business. But instead we have Linda Westinghouse a lawyer with the firmer of Simpson and Sons, it seems a countess in Istanbul has inherited the Estate of Count Dracula. Linda finds the Countess sunbathing on her private island. They quickly turn this first meeting into a skinny dipping romp, followed by nude sunbathing. As the Countess declares, it’s just more fun when you are not alone. The countess prefers female companions because of her hatred towards men. 200 years ago, soldiers raped and pillaged her village and she could do nothing to stop them. Then they came to her castle and raped her. She was ultimately saved By Count Dracula, who enjoyed her company and turned her. Watch her explain how she became a vampire in the YouTube video below.

Every scene with the Countess seducing one of her prey is captivating and titillating to say the least. The movie is full of girl on girl action. We get plenty of it, in dream sequences, flashbacks, and live on a nightclub stage.

But then the movie realizes it has to deal with stupid things like story and plot and supporting characters. The coolest of which is “Morpho”, the Countess’ henchman in an Italian suit. I think they call him Morpho cause he sometimes looks like Stallone in Rhinestone, and other times like Bob Dylan. We soon learn that Linda is special to the Countess and she wants to induct her into circle of vampire lesbians. But Linda has a pesky boyfriend who’s running all over town looking for her. He goes to see a Doctor at the loony bin who specializes in these types of cases. We’re never really sure if he’s trying top cure lesbianism or hunt Vampires. Then there’s also a sadistic hotel janitor who lost his wife to the Countess, and now hates all women.

Even though this movie dips into the dull side near the end. It’s still entertaining enough to merit a viewing. If you’re the type to partake in mood altering drugs, then this film is a good match with it’s psychedelic colors, and it’s obsession with its quick cuts to scorpions, flashing lights, and dripping blood. in It’s got some sexy chicks. A cool henchman, and some fantastic music that Tarantino would reuse in Jackie Brown. Check it out. I give it two sexy vampire fangs.

Horror Movie a Day: Let The Right One In

2009-09-03T13:05:00.001-07:00

Today’s entry is Let the Right One In, is a tender coming of age story about a boy and his 200 year old Vampire crush. While the Swedish novel it’s based on focuses as much on real world monsters like pedophiles and murderers, the movie sticks to the core of the story, the budding friendship between Oskar and Eli.

Oskar is a bullied child who’s darkest revenge fantasies are as disturbing as the actions of any Vampire. He wants to cut up his tormentors and make them squeal like a pig. Because of recent events, tormented children where tormented children are now seen as villains, when we first meet Oskar he’s not a very likeable character. Despicable even. We soon learn that his mother is vary caring and his father also dotes on him as father does a son. But they are separated and Oskar seems to have fallen through the cracks because of his father’s alcoholism and his splitting her time between working late and her new boyfriend. No one seems to mind the bruises he comes home with.

His new neighbor Eli notices though. Eli is a strange sort of child who regularly joins Oskar on the plain ground in the late afternoon once the sun has set. Eli lives with a caretaker Håkan, which one immediately assumes is a father or uncle. We soon learn though, that Eli is the master in the relationship. Eli’s a 200 year old child vampire, and Håkan is a manservant. A rash of murders in the nearby village is Håkan’s handiwork. He’s collecting blood for Eli, who although is a strong for child of that apparent age, Eli would have some difficulty feeding on a full grown man.

Oskar and Eli develop a special kind of bond. He teachers Eli Morse code and they begin to communicate though their bedroom walls. Håkan grows jealous of the situation and we begin to see him for who he really is. There’s a scene in Highlander where the immortal Connor MacLeod rescues a World War 2 orphan, whom later turns out to be his secretary Rachel in modern day New York.. You get the feeling their relationship went through a phases were MacLeod was at first her father, then her Lover and now Rachel is his mother figure. You get the same feeling with Håkan, who is willing to do anything for Eli, and that they were also childhood friends, and now he has assumed the fatherly caretaker role. When he asks Eli to stay away from Oskar you feel both at once jealousy and fear at Oskar being trapped in the same role he is, and for a moment your sucked away from the fantasy, and into the harsh reality of this evil Vampire child. Many times the film brings you back to that same feeling, when Eli feeds or gets a blood lust, or when Eli callously talks about victims or tries to equate blood lust to Oskar’s desire for revenge. You wake up and shake your head at the cute little child vampire, point and shout EVIL!

But your always sucked back in to the love story. This isn’t a timeless teen lust we see in Twilight. This isn’t Claudia and Louis from Interview with a Vampire after the honeymoon has ended. It always feels innocent and not sexual. But let’s face it Eli’s a Vampire so it always feels seductive. I wouldn’t say this is the “My Girl” of Vampire films but it’s close. Maybe a dark version of Fox and The Hound? ;)

Oskar is drawn to the vampire. He doesn’t care what Eli is. He doesn’t care that Eli is not a girl, he doesn’t care that Eli is a 200 year old vampire, such is his attraction. And it may be more than just simple attraction. We’re right there with him as he’s trying to befriend Eli and Eli seems uninterested. When he offers candy and Eli refuses, his heart seems wounded. Eli sees this and despite knowing better eats the candy and begins to feel ill. It begins to feel like young love, and what we’re willing to do for it. We feel Oskar’s nervousness as he tries to get a peek of Eli undressing. We feel his contempt when Eli’s fucked up and revealed the vampire within. We can see the pain Oskar feels as he watches Eli attempt to enter his home without an invite and Eli begins to decompose and deteriorate. For what other reason do we cause pain to others and let others cause us this pain, if isn’t love.

I don’t really want to spoil anything more. This is great film about childhood innocence and young love you’re hooked immediately soon after they meet. The final scenes when the bullies finally get their comeuppance is frightening not just in a supernatural way but also the real-life fear Oskar feels as the victim of bullying.

The DVD Box has several quotes on it, the one that stands out from the Washington Excelsior reads. “Best. Vampire Movie. Ever”

I wouldn’t go that far. But it is a damn good one. I give it three boxes of Count Chocula.

Watch it now before the American Remake shies away from some of the un-christian like subject matter, and casually turns this one into a Tween Twilight.

Horror Movie A Day : The Hunger

2009-09-02T12:45:00.001-07:00

The Hunger stars David Bowie as vampire posing as a Goth punk in New York circa 1983.

This film predates The Lost Boys, Fright Night, Near Dark Anne Rice’s novel The Vampire Lestat by giving us our first look at the modern vampire.

“Check out the opening scene at the Goth Club featuring Bauhaus.”

Prior to this we’ve primarily dealt with elegant and sometimes grotesque looking European gentlemen as our Vampire protagonist. No offense to Saruman The White but I’d rather be killed by Ziggy Stardust.

“David Bowie Vs. Christopher Lee = Great Vampyre Rock Opera”

Vampire Bowie inhabits a rather unique world. He goes clubbing at night He also hangs out in the daylight, though he does cover up somewhat. To sustain his everlasting life, He only needs to feed once a week. When he does feed, he doesn’t use his fangs, it’s never clear if he actually has any, instead he cuts a victim with a blade concealed in an Ankh pendant that he wears around his neck. On Tuesdays and Thursdays he teaches music to a children. Oh and he’s not sleeping very much anymore. Which is when his real troubles begin. He begins to age at a rather exponential rate, but he’s still a vampire so he still needs to feed. He can no longer attack the same victims he once did, so he begins to prey on the weak. He visits a scientist played by Susan Sarandon who’s trying to uncover the mysteries of aging as a way to cure progeria, But the scientist doesn’t believe him and well, David Bowie dies rather quickly..

Then the real movie begins. “Wait? I thought you said this was a David Bowie movie?” I did too. The beginning was all Bowie, and it was pretty clever and interesting to see a Vampire who did NOT feel cursed by immortal life. He wanted to Live damnit! But the real movie revolves around David Bowie’s maker, Miriam played by Catherine Denueve. Now that Bowie’s gone, she is alone. This is not the first time one of her mates has died. While she herself lived for 2000 years, her companions die after a few hundred so she must find constantly find a new companion to face immortality with. And she chooses Susan Sarandon. Which is is no mere coincidence. Not only is she a scientist looking into longevity. But she also looks a lot like Aladdin Sane in most of the movie. Curing Miriam of her HUNGER for David Bowie. See what I did there? Haha.

“Bowie”

“Not David Bowie”

When Bowie dies, so does the movie. It continually has a problem with pacing and there’s virtually little plot. But the movie does hold some surprises. We learn Miriam isn’t just choosing a mere companion when she settles on Sarandon. She’s looking for a lover as well. And one amazing sex scene follows.

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen. Full on Lesbian Vampires in 1983. That must have been groundbreaking. It certainly was hot. I recommend this movie on this scene alone.

When Sarandon finally quenches her Hunger, she stumbles out of the bedroom, half naked covered in Blood. That is probably her finest moment on celluloid to date. We also learn that while his body has decayed into a decrepit form and he has been entombed, Bowie as well as other lovers of Catherine Denueve aren’t exactly dead. The climax of the film has them rise from their graves, and yes we get Vampire Zombies. Gotta love Zombies. We can never stray too far from them.

This film is based on a book by Whitley Strieber, which I’m now dying to check out. In his non fiction book Communion he discovers that his early horror work was just an outlet for the real horror in his life, alien abductions. And many scenes from his book echo the abductions he learned about later through hypnosis. In our movie we learn that Miriam isn’t like the Vampires we know from fairy tales, she probably doesn’t have fangs. Her blood is mentioned as being alien when it attacks Sarandon’s blood, never mixing but acting as a sort of antibody continually repairing keeping her alive. And while sunlight doesn’t damage her in anyways, There is some sensitivity possibly for her not being from this world. And the words Vampire are never mentioned.

The film though is a bit shallow, focuses more on style then substance. It’s almost like the first Highlander movie that way complete with a Rock soundtrack, immortals and quick flashbacks to the past. This is Tony Scott’s first full length film as a director, and it definitely matches his style. All of his films flirt with greatness, you WANT to love them, from Top Gun to the Last Boyscout, to True Romance and Enemy of the State. They are good films that want to be great. Unlike his Brother Ridley Scott, who seems to have peaked in 1982 with Blade Runner Tony is constantly getting better. Man on Fire and Deja Vu are some of the best movies I’ve seen from him. I was completely surprised with both of them. One day we’ll get a masterpiece out of him, unfortunately it’s not in The Hunger.

I liked this film for what it’s brought to vampire mythology and it’s stylish imagery and can recommend it on those merits. So If you’re fan of Cool Looking Vampires, David Bowie, or Lesbians this is one worth checking out.

I give it 2 and a half Ziggy Stardusts.

Horror Movie a Day: Dead and Breakfast

2009-09-01T18:48:00.001-07:00

According to the box, today’s selection is the Best independent horror movie of the year. And The U.S. answer to Shaun of the dead. What those statements tell me is that 2004 must have been really shit year for independent horror films. And that if the Question is Shaun of the Dead, Americans certainly don’t know the answer. I took time out for the day to search Ain’t it Cool News's website for the quote comparing it to Shaun of the Dead. The closest I found was QUINT having seen the film the same week as Shaun of the Dead and telling us he wasn’t crazy about it. So I guess there really isn’t much truth in those little blurbs on the front of video boxes.

I was hoping for surprise here. Like when I watched Shaun of the Dead, Dog Soldiers or the Descent or Hatchet from recommendations by Ain’t It Cool news. Those are fantastic horror films, and I wish to god I was reviewing any one of those. Instead I bring you this shitfest. A movie that tried so hard with forced humor that it falls flat on its face. At one point a character slips on some blood for like 3 minutes of screen time, with goofy sound effects. It made sure it had all the goofy clichéd characters. The nerd, the jerk, the bitch, the know-it-all, I’m still not sure if it was on purpose or it was the result of bad writing. The acting is far beyond top notch either. Which is queer cause I’ve seen many of the actors here, like Portia Del Rossi, Bianca Lawson, Jeremy Sisto fare a lot better in other material, but the lame attempt at comedic writing just left every performance feel wooden, including the guest stars. Which included a bizarre turn from Diedrich Bader with a phony French accent. I almost turned the film off when Diedrich catches someone peeing in the bushes. “Don’t let me catch you with your Dick in My Bush again” That’s probably the genius writing that made them compare this to Shaun of the Dead.

We also get treated to a 60 second of screen time cameo from David Carradine. He’s so underused here I’m surprised they even bothered to get him. But his character is the one that sets everything in motion. It was hard watching David Carradine in this film, my first viewing of his work since his death. He played a weird old guy who runs a Bed and Breakfast that the Gang of friends of the film stay in. He also collects Asian artifacts, I scanned his room for a penis shrine. The film gets increasingly hard to watch when our gang of characters discover his lifeless body. Anyways the movie wastes more of our time figuring out the mystery of his death, when finally one of “the Gang” opens up an Asian artifact and unleashes a Zombie invasion on the town.

Of course they encounter a mysterious drifter who can tell them how to save the town and themselves, because he’s a master of all things Zombie related. And he informs them that these aren’t really Zombies, but people whoa re caught somewhere between the dead and the living. Sounds like Zombies to me dude. The film at this point has turned into an Evil Dead knockoff, with one of the bad characters channeling Evil Ash. At one point someone fights a chainsaw and I caught myself saying “Groovy.” and was surprised the character didn’t say it himself. And located In the same closed he found the chainsaw? An Evil Dead poster.

The movie is almost completely over when the zombie killings begin and finally almsot kind of save it. They did have some good old fashioned killing effects. No CGi here. One of the characters then yells, “This is like a bad horror movie.” I just wanted to yell It’s not self parody when your movie sucks, it's just a putdown then.

The film was also narrated by the Hillbilly Hellcats, a hip-hop square dance group, who go from bad jokes to decent sounding music. They eventually get turned into Zombies themselves and still manage to rock a musical number.

The movie always keeps shooting itself in the foot. square dancing zombies was funny. Thriller zombies not so much. Every time they take a stop forward they take two back. With bettwr writers this movie could have been good. It’s easy to make a Zombie flick. To make a funny one is another story.

For the decent gore effects, The musical accompaniment and one characters creative makeshift shotgun, I give the movie, 2 asshats.

Still if this is what passes as Zombie movies these days. Then I think I’m getting a little tired of them. There’s always Vampires to fall back on.

Horror Movie a Day: H2

2009-08-30T22:21:00.001-07:00

This summer there’s a new Halloween movie, H2. So Halloween begins early this year, so it’s time once again for my oft failed experiment. A Horror Movie a day for Halloween. Last year I had to only tackle 31 films. And while I didn’t review them all hear I did get close. This year with the help of Netflix instant Queue we are going to tackle some 65 Horror films. I got to warn you they will not all be classics.

We begin this adventure with one GIANT Turkey. Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2. Or H2. Maybe I’m being harsh, judging by the amount of young children attending the premiere, I might not have been the target audience. Really parent’s is a Rob Zombie Horror film the best parenting choice? Maybe that's just Flippers Cinema audience for you though. There’s nothing funnier, and sadder I guess for the director, than to have some 7 year old yell out “Man, this some Bullshit!” When even a kid whose never seen a REAL Halloween film before judges your movie so harshly.

Let me start over. I love Halloween movies. There’s just a simple formula here. A killer with a one track mind, a haunting yet iconic score, a mask, and Donald Pleasance. It’s not that deep. And yet every single masked killer/teen slasher film owes it a debt of gratitude. Even when these films aren’t good. And face it they rarely are, they are still fun. They usually fail whenever they try to come up with back story for Michael, (Curse of Michael Myers) or try to change the simple formula of the series, (Resurrection). Halloween audiences hate change, they outright reject it. Season of the Witch should’ve been enough warning for the producers.

So knowing all of this Rob Zombie decides to change Halloween and give Michael Myers a back story and motive, and a heart and it became a recipe for disaster. It’s not that Rob Zombie’s Halloween is a BAD movie. It’s just not a good Michael Myers movie, we didn’t need any of that. On it’s own, might have been a beginning of a new franchise for an unrelated character. But because they were force-feeding us this crap as a Michael Myers movie, we rejected it once again.

But I came into H2 with an open mind. Really I did. I was going take the new mythology as it stood. I was going to trust Rob Zombie’s new vision. He told everyone this new version of Michael Myers had now cut all ties to the original films. There’s nothing holding him back now. So the first 15 Minutes of H2, is basically the entire plot of Halloween 2! Way to stand on your own two feet Rob. Oh no, wait. It’s all a dream. How’s that for originality? In your face American audiences! This is when the audience first turned on him. A random 6 Year old Yells out “All that for a Dream? Shiiiiit!”

It gets worse from there. We are soon reintroduced to Michael Myer’s mom via flashback Where we learned that Michael didn’t just become the mindless killer right away. He was a normal kid sitting in the crazy house. So I guess, what Loomis turns him into a killer? Since he was responsible for his day to day care. But that’s not the end of his mom though, she’s with us throughout the whole movie. Standing next to a pale white horse looking like the chick from Legend, inside Michaels demented mind.

“Michael Myers and His Mom”

“Chick from Legend”

So now we learn Michael has mommy issues like Jason and is killing for her to reunite the family. The only way to do so is to kill Laurie. I think? Because he had a chance to do it at the end of the film but didn’t. Did I mention this movie makes no sense? He goes on a rampage killing random people who have no connection to Laurie in any way. I’m guessing the kill count wasn’t high enough yet, so the studio asked for more.Finally he catches up to her. The movie doesn’t make it clear how he does this. He just shows up at her house and kills her friends.

Myers big plan is to carry her off to an abandoned shed and just sit there. While his mom and the horse and little boy Michael Myers act crazy. Eventually Loomis shows up, he’s been on a book tour and doing the talk show circuit with Weird Al, whose 1 minute cameo is the best part of the movie. And so he feels guilty for cashing in on the murders and decides to talk to Michael to save Laurie. Inside the shed we learn that the White Horse and Little Michael, and Michael’s mom are inside Laurie’s head as well.

The ending of this movie is just so hackneyed, it’s been done better in Halloween 4 and also Friday the 13th Part 4. Rob Zombie standing on his own two feet got the jump on them by doing it in only his second Halloween film. The audience walked away still laughing at the penultimate scene in which tiny Laurie Strode walks out of the shed wearing Michael’s oversized mask.

This movie sucks, and I don’t recommend it to diehard fans at all. Still its not the worst thing I’ve seen and it had a pair of boobies in it.

So I give it one and a half broken iPhones.

Save your money and watch the original Halloween 2 instead.

More Pictures

2009-07-10T14:07:00.001-07:00

More Updates in Pictures.

FIRST DAY

Ally’s First day of School Pre-K that is. She’s all done with it now. The only thing she learned from here is how to say a mealtime prayer. Which has now replaced our usual Rub-a-dub-dub Thanks for the Grub. She’ll be starting REAL school in august.

WRESTLEMANIA

I am now living the dream with my very own WRESTLEFEST Arcade Machine. Here is LEONARD showing off his trophy after being declared the 2009 Wrestlefest Champion at this years Wrestlemania Party.

Here are some random shots of food and decorations:

Yes. There was even goodie bags. If you weren’t there. Be Jealous.

That Girl Is Only 15

My cousin recently had her Quinceañera. Time flies man. I was almost an adult at 17 when she was born. And now here she is almost the same age I was then. It was a big Spanish to-do mix of all hispanic cultures from our family and her father’s and their church. There was even a mariachi band!

Here her parents took the opportunity to serenade her with Las Mananitas, a traditional Mexican Birthday song.

The whole affair was a huge family reunion. My brother though thought it was a great idea to come up with this new design etched into this head.

Which definitely caused my Mom to ignore him/us the whole night.

My daughter took the opportunity to ham it up.

and dance.

The whole thing was based around Beauty and the Beast.

Just like at Disney World we even had to wait in line to get our picture taken with Belle, or rather my cousin dressed as her.

This post is getting quite long once again. But I leave you with this. I’ve been going to a new Grocery store. Which has now been dubbed The Voodoo Grocery Store by certain acquaintances of mine.

These are some of the products on the shelf.

Princess Mama Brown Sugar is actually my new nickname for Skittles.

I can’t even comment on this shit. Somewhere Petey Greene is laughing his head off.

Update in Pictures (Revised)

2009-07-10T08:19:00.001-07:00

( i edited this to add some BETTER Pictures)

Yeah it’s been awhile since I last posted, and as before the easiest way to go through the past few months is by pictures.

MARCH MEGALADON MUSIC MUSICA

The Megalodon Shark exhibit is now at the Miami Science Museum, this is from the premiere night, March 7th where not everything had been setup. The second set of jaws are ginormous and give you an example on how big this fucker might of been.

At the time they had two more exhibits. One was about the science of music itself, you could remix a song and create a music video, but they also had these great candid photographs of Rock icons like Kurt Cobain, Freddie Mercury and Jimi Hendrix .

The other was a big audio-visual to-do complete with memorabilia and artifacts on the effect Latinos had in popular music.

It covered every single era and every genre and every musical style Latinos were ever involved in. From mambo to hip-hop. From Tito Puento to Daddy Yankee. It was quite an impressive exhibit. I’m not always a fan of Spanish music but this was an amazing exhibit. I’ll try to dig up some more pictures.

CARNAVAL

I tried to hit up a lot of the activities that week, here are some random shots of Carnaval on the Mile and Calle Ocho back on March 8th and March 15th.

CONCERT

Thanks to my new Sister-in-law i got a chance to see my favorite folk-comedy-duo from New Zealand and my new favorite TV show stars, FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS. They came to the Bank United Center on April 7th.

The show was great and the seats were within spitting distance. Thanks again Monse!

ORLANDO

I won tickets from the Super Bowl contest Universal Studios had back in Feb. And they finally arrived. So I headed up north for a few days of fun. Of all the things this are has to offer this seemed the most wondrous.

I didn’t actually go in. Because The whole time I was looking for the location at Citywalk, I was building it up too much in my mind. I would totally have been disappointed if it was just an lame Burger King kiosk. No, I imagined I’d pull up a seat at the counter. and i could order a Whiskey to go with my triple whopper with cheese.

They also brought out some old favorites from the horror exhibit at Universal Studios.

SAME BAT BLOG

I just reloaded my PC, so i gotta dig up some more pictures. Next update will include the new Car, Memorial Day – July 4th. and odds an ends in between.

I know this update is kind of lame, so I’ll leave you with this.

I’m convinced it’s either a new cult. Or an experiment to entrap people into coming to church by making them pull over and telling them to change the sign. Because it’s been up there since Mid-May and now first week of July it’s still there.

-J

“LROD has spoken”

Another one Bites the Dust

2009-03-13T14:02:00.001-07:00

First it was Josh back in April being a Fool I guess. That unfortunately didn't work out that well. I might tease you man, but I feel your pain.

Then My brother in August, who was at least smart enough NOT to marry his baby mama.

I think he made the right choice. Time will tell. ;) Welcome to the family Monse. She's handled my mom these past few months like a trooper. Hopefully she's not regretting it.

And now a third close friend has decided to get hitched up.

On March 2nd, after Ten years of living in sin, Leonard updated his facebook status to Married. It was a jubilant ceremony in which the guest children outnumbered the guest adults, 3-1. I wish them as long a marriage as their non-marriage.

But I think we need to run a Honk-A-Meter on this one.

The Honky Tonk man was intercontinental champion for a record 64 weeks.

Leonard has been married almost 3 weeks.

Updates in Pictures for November.

2008-11-26T16:22:00.001-08:00

It's been awhile since I last posted regularly. And a few things have happened since then. Halloween came and went, Gas prices have plummeted, there's a new iPhone update, Survivor Series, and god damn if there wasn't a new Guns N Roses album. Axl made me a Liar. Not to Mention a history making election. I don't know if the best and most qualified guy won, But the Republicans have been playing the same song for 8 years and it's gotten old. Time to flip the record over.

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This is a new display at AMC Aventura 24.

Some folks are eagerly awaiting Watchmen, or the Punisher as the next major comic book movie. I'm kind of excited about the Spirit. from the trailers , the approach to the material is definitely surprising, as the Spirit has always been a bit tongue in cheek, and the trailer makes him look like Batman.

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Ever wonder what Zorro does on his time off?

I like to think he's a member of a three piece Dixieland jazz band.

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Have you heard? About the bird? buh-buh-buh-bird bird.

I got to see my very first American eagle up close recently.

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This election was hard fought on television, on the streets and even on the men's room at the 163rd Street Walmart.

This McCain supporter went over the "Life" in a sharpie, and corrected it to 4 Years only. Who carries a sharpie to the toilet with him? I have a feeling they both work at the Wal-mart. Let's look at this image a bit closer shall we?

What is this saucer shape that surrounds Obama's name? Was it the McCainite claiming Obama is from space? Therefore making him an Illegal Alien ineligible to run for the presidency. Or was it the Obamanaut claiming his candidate is simply Out-of-This-World?

The battle continues on the other wall.

Nothing as clever as 4 Years Only on this side. Just a simple addition of No.

That was pretty much it. I had to get out of there once I turned around and saw this:

See ya.

I told you homeboy....

2008-11-24T21:17:00.001-08:00

By now everyone on the internets, is familiar with and is fans of Denny Blaze the Average Homeboy, by watching his classic video.

If you've never had the pleasure of that experience watch ti below and get ready to get BLAZED...

Due to his newfound success and popularity through the Magic of youtube he has returned 18 years later. Like Brian Atene, Denny Blaze has launched his own YouTube Channel in an attempt to jumpstart a career from almost nothing. I don't blame them, you can't buy the publicity youtube fame gets you, and letting go of those 15 minutes of fame is very hard. That kind of recognition is something they only dreamed of two decades ago. And now as middle aged, middle class white guys they probably had long given up on that dream.

While the world wondered where these guys are now. I always wondered about what they were upto the last 20 years. What was the moment that made them give up their dreams of acting and rapping.

Denny Blaze tells us he's been smoothing out his rap the last 18 years. I'd like to believe he's never given up. That he's been working his job at Bennigan's part time and rapping full time.

And in that alternate reality he made this bad ass awesome rap video for the Miami Dolphins.

Is that his clone or his twin Brother? You be the judge.

And to all the Brian Atene's and Denny Blazes out there. Never give up your dreams of fame and stardom, It may happen someday.

Stay Gold Pony-boy. Stay Gold.

Coxie's Army: Letters From the Front

2008-10-16T12:06:00.001-07:00

There's something about this story that has stuck with me. The city of Miami where I've resided most of my life is relatively young, compared to some of the other cities in our nation. Incorporated in 1896, it is just barely over a hundred years old. And the suburb city of North Miami is even younger than that. And while they both have their fair share of stories and folk tales, most of them are lost to us.

The residents in this city have changed so often. Due to the Cubans coming here in the 80's and the exodus from the Caribbean in the 90's, not to mention the retirees from the north. Descendants of the original settlers have moved further north in Florida. The city is full of immigrants, who have their own cultures and beliefs. while the Cubans tend to embrace the American cultures, because the young adults have very little or few memories of their homeland. The Caribbeans however have brought over some of their fears and superstitions. Halloween tends to be just another day in North Miami for most of the Haitian kids. And when the majority of the residents in your town, don't celebrate Halloween, well that puts a damper on festivities. South Miami, and West Palm Beach where the Cubans and white folks live, tend to go all out celebrating Halloween. North Miami just wants the kids off the street.

So to hear of a different time in the city of North Miami, when Halloween was embraced as the youth holiday it is supposed to be. A time for mischief and misadventure, well it just warms the cockles of my heart, and leaves me feeling nostalgic for an America that just doesn't exist anymore. At least not in South Florida.

I found a PDF file of the letters Coxie's Army would leave the library, and the the letters from the library to the Army.

Click here to check it out.

Long Live Coxie's Army

2008-10-09T22:46:00.001-07:00

In 1969 a group of teenage boys too old for trick or treat, too young to party, gathered together on Halloween. They wanted to pull a prank that would satisfy the rotten kid in all of them. Something big enough to garner attention but not mean-spirited or destructive. They decided to spike a pumpkin through the steeple of the North Miami Public library. The act itself might not seem so impressive, despite its 43 foot climb to the steeple. What was really impressive is what was foretold in the accompanying poem to the prank:

"The Great Pumpkin shall watch over your library forever. "

And so it has for 37 years. Undeterred by construction, lifestyles changes and weather. The boys now in their 50's still gather together to fulfill their promise every year.

A group of 6 or 7 boyscouts, they referred to themselves as Coxie's Army. A moniker given to them by their scout leader who told them they were a mess looking as bad as Coxey's Army, a group of unemployed worker who led a march on Washington in 1894.

They gave themselves codenames such as Lt. Youthful Yak, Lt. Col. Major Minor, Lt. Col. Yeti .P. Sasquatch, Staff Sergeant Skeeter and Colonel Coxie that they would sign onto every poem attached to the pumpkin.

The army now have all moved away except for one. The former boyscouts have grown up to become a Broward minister and electrician, a boat mechanic in Maryland, a carpenter in Tallahassee and an Orlando restaurant owner.

The library has tried to discover the identity of the army, but to this date they remain anonymous. The library has sort of embraced the yearly prank, or blessing as they call it. They've set up an exhibit showcasing the many poems left by the army and pictures of the prank. They've also left their own poems. In 1984 on the 16th anniversary of the prank, the library installed a new cupola and a larger steeple that now placed them 47 feet into the air. The work was scheduled to be completed by December but the library pushed to have it done in time for Halloween. In effect daring the army to complete their task that year.

"The steeple is now close to 50 feet high, "If you fall off, I hope you can fly."

They've considered it a blessing for so many years. Since The end of October marks the end of peak Hurricane season, the pumpkin signifies another year that the library and the town have been spared. Even through major hurricanes like Andrew and and pesky ones like Wilma.

Wilma in 2005 fact created such slippery condition that kept the pumpkin from making it all the way to the steeple. A smashed pumpkin was found on the roof, denoting that years failure.

They were back again in full form for 2006. But last year the pumpkin only made it so far as the front door. You can blame last years heavy rain, or perhaps old age. The oldest member of the group is 55.

The poem they leave every year always noted the changes in the army's lives, as well as changes in the city, our country and the world. Previous poems have talked about weddings, and children being born, during Hurricanes they gave encouragement to the community, on 9-11 they left us inspiring words, and reminded us all why silly Halloween rituals like these are important. This year comes a huge change, the Army had a casualty, Staff Sergeant Skeeter. The youngest of group passed away on July 20th. Succumbing to cancer at the age of 49. He was the only one left residing in Miami.

It leaves us all wondering if the Great Pumpkin will ever rise again.

La Casa De Los Trucos

2008-10-08T13:55:00.001-07:00

I spent my pre-teen years moving from place to place. From Miramar to Coral Gables, I must have lived everywhere in South Florida, south of Hollywood.

Probably the best neighborhood I ever lived in was in Coral Way. Near the Planetarium, I had family on the next block. But they also did Halloween up right there. All the houses gave candy. All the kids dressed up. And all the older kids caused serious mischief. In Miami, in the Cuban neighborhoods, traditional Halloween shenanigans are still a right of passage. The egg throwing battlefields are especially hazardous to your health. These mofo's bury the eggs for a month for EXTRA STENCH. Or worse yet, they freeze them for extra hard-hitting stopping power.

I remember one Halloween, my neighbor, a rowdy, yet friendless, teenage boy named Mike, drafted me into his egg throwing crusade. We weren't too bright. We tossed eggs from the side of the road. In front of our houses. Most of the cars in Coral Way and Coral gables, were fancy current year models, BMW's and whatever was NEW back then. After being egged they'd just keep on driving, it's all in good fun after all, right? And to find the culprits in pitch black might prove difficult. On that night Mike got sight of a Porsche and unleashed hell on it. The Porsche screeched to a complete halt and went into reverse. At this point we took off running from the backyard to the front yard at full speed. My Dracula cape flapping in the wind.

<-----That's not me. But you can only imagine how retarded I must have looked at age 8. Running into the cover of darkness, With a black and red cape flapping in the wind. While I had my reservations on Mike's planning. I had no choice now. I would have to follow Mike into Hell if he so desired. But instead he headed for safety. He ran all the way home. Past both our mothers in the patio And Hid under his bed. And I hit there with him, cowering like Shaggy and Scooby Doo.

The Porsche owner was young and he was fast. he kept up with us most of the way. And I'm pretty sure he saw us duck into Mike's House. But when he reached the patio where our mother's sat, Mike's mother assured us, they had no children. I still remember the Porsche driver's booming voice as it echoed throughout the house.

"I'm Gonna Call the police on your Bastard Children. They Egged my Porsche, My Porsche!"

But I digress, my point was Halloween was exciting there. it was good to be a kid in those days and not be dragged to some stupid mall to ask for candy. And the starting palace for Halloween shenanigans, was La Casa De Los Trucos. It was the mythical Shangri-lah every kid talked about. it's where you just HAD to get your costume. Sure you could just go to KMART and buy a ten dollar flammable piece of plastic to drape over your body. Or you can go to La Casa De Los Trucos and get some authentic shit.

Of course as time went by, I forgot about the place, and they seemed to have closed. But truthfully they just changed locations. This year thanks to some local TV commercials, I realized they were still in business and sought them out.

They are now on Calle Ocho and have been there for years. The first thing that struck me odd was that Calle Ocho has a Walk Of Fame. I must not have noticed or cared about it before. Here is one such star.

This is their original building at this location. I vaguely remember it. Which they closed and now use strictly as a warehouse.

This is some of the neat artwork on the shutters of the warehouse.

This is the front of the actual building and the signage surrounding it.

Inside there was tons of teenage cuban jailbait trying on the Sexy ____ costume. the sexy robin Hood, the Sexy Nurse, the sexy witch, the sexy Flintstone.

There's mom's encouraging them like only cuban moms do.

"yes mijita, these assless fishnet leggings would look so Cute on You!"

There were rows and rows of masks.

They also had these awesome Lucha Libre masks.

They even had NACHOOOO LIBRE!

Were I a more daring man, I'd embarrass myself and my child trick or treating as Nacho.

Ally had loads of fun trying on hats and costumes.

I think, she's campaigning for McCain!

But really she just wanted to be an elephant. Dumb democrats lost another one. Who really wants to dress up like a Jackass?

I moved on to the Adult Costume area! Where I found these gems.

A priest with a boner! I'm already going to hell. Let's not anger the pope.

Place Breasts here! I think I found my costume. Who wants a FREE Mammogram!???

I could go on with the costumes. But the place is renown for its trucos. It's tricks. I spent a half hour watching Ally fall for numerous has been old jokes, joy buzzers, fake insects, things that sprung out, and exploded. The man behind the counter was gracious enough to demonstrate over a dozen tricks. And Ally was such a willing foil.

We left there with an Exploding cigarette box trick to pull on Grandma. I'll let you know if she disowns us later.

And this innocent jar of jelly beans.

Open the lid and.....

Bwhahahahaah!

We've already pulled that one on a half dozen people.

She's such an awesome prankster, she sets them up like this..

"You want some jelly beans? Here you go, Don't eat them all okay!?"

The Phaaan-tom of the opera is there, inside my mind!

2008-10-07T23:10:00.001-07:00

Okay so it turns out I love.
love....
love this music. (yeah I'm not gay, I just like showtunes)

But I hate...
hate.
hate this movie.

Before we start have you guys heard? Probably, because I know everyone's heard. In case you haven't heard the word. Click this link.

Phantom of the Opera starts off several years after the events in the book original film. The movie is told via flashback. The flashback themselves have transitions to the past that rival the best in any of the Highlander series. it pretty much follows the plot of the original film, except in song. This Phantom however is a musical genius, he knows everything behind the theater/opera business. He's a great composer, singer, makeup artist, stuntman, effects coordinator, costume artist and theatre manager, I've a feeling he also might be stellar at running the concession stand if given have a chance. He finds a young ingénue by the name Christine Daee who has been gifted the gift of song. He nurtures her talent and one day plans to make her a star.

Unlike the previous film, our musical Christine Daee is much more innocent. She likes the idea of being the star someday, but she isn't manipulating anyone to get there. She is also in love with the Phantom. The only one who actually has a problem with the Phantom's deformity is the Phantom himself. He owes a lot more to the character of Two-Face than the character Lon Chaney played in the 1925 silent picture. His scarred face is easily obscured, but his tortured soul cannot be hidden by a mask. The third lead, the count is a swashbuckling young man, as skilled in horse riding and fencing as he is in singing. In the end we don't buy Christine's love for the Count de Chagny, he's just a summer love she had many years ago. The Phantom has helped her blossom into womanhood, and has shown her true passion. The only reason I think they don't end up together in the end is because he's a murderer and he's being hunted down by angry villagers with pitchforks and torches. Aside from that he's a nice guy, who just need a hug. Once Christine gives him what he needed, he sees the error of his way and lets the heroic duo go.

Why do I hate this film? it's not cause it's directed by Joel Schumacher. I've made my peace with that man. For years I've refused to watch anything with his name attached, ever since he made the worst film ever made: Batman and Robin. It's amazing how one film can tarnish an entire career. How the man who made classics like D.C. Cab, The Lost Boys, Flatliners and Falling Down can be burned at the stake as a heretic for "gaying" up Batman. He made a great picture called Phone Booth in 2002 and helped made Colin Farrell a star. But it wasn't until the Special Edition DVD releases of the original 4 Batman films that I forgave him. The motherfucker apologized in not so many words for Batman and Robin. He said something along the line of, "The studio was pressuring us to make a giant toy commercial. we are all grown people, we knew what we were getting ourselves into though, in retrospect we should have known better" That was the day I called the Fatwa off of Joel Schumacher that I've had on him since 1997. Seriously, on my old website, The Sci-Fi Buzz and Traveling Circus I posted a wanted poster Dead or Alive for Joel Schumacher for crimes against humanity. I know it's just a movie, but man did it suck.

He did a perfectly good directing job, he turned a static stageplay into a beautiful looking flowing motion picture. most people tend to just do a one camera angle shoot for Musicals brought to film and they turn out dull and horrible. He padded this film with events right out of the original film and book. There was even a great swordfight in a cemetery that just made you believe this was happening in the real world and not on stage. This was very much like a Disney Animated musical, only boring.

Yes boring. Thanks to the leads and the slow pacing. We definitely needed an intermission here. A pause to let us reflect and brace ourselves for yet another song. it seems like quiet a few extra songs were added. I mean I know it's a musical about making an opera, but did the operas have to have their own full fledged numbers too?

Gerard Butler was a bit stiff and his singing rough. it seemed like he was doing a bad Antonio Banderas impression, which is coincidental, because he really wanted to do this part and the studio turned him down. Here he is in a duet with the originator of the Christine Daee role on Broadway, Sarah Brightman.

I also don't think Emmy Rossum was worth all the fuss. Certainly not worth killing for. I did like Minnie Driver as the operatic Diva Carlotta. she seemed to really have a lot of fun with the role, even though all her singing was dubbed. No one's really cared about Minnie since like Good Will Hunting. It's good to know that she's still working even though like Carlotta, she has to take a backseat to the prettier more talented younger girls. I'm curious how she even got offered the part. It's a musical and she can't sing. It's like someone through her a bone or something. She ends up playing the second or third female lead, she steals the show away from Emmy Rossum and even Miranda Richardson who was fantastic in Sleepy Hollow but seems to phone this performance in.

In closing, I'd recommend this if you're a fan of the musical only. I wouldn't watch this film again, but It definitely piqued my interests in the Broadway Play. If it's coming back this way I'll definitely be checking it out.

I Rocked the Vote, I liked it.

2008-10-06T08:49:00.001-07:00

My apologies to Katy Perry for this entry's title.

But I registered to vote for the first time ever. Here I am 31 years old an American Citizen and I never bothered to exercise my right to vote. Our forefathers revolted for representation, and as hard as suffragettes fought for the right to vote in this country and yet I've been taking it for granted.

But then again that's my right as an American. Freedom to Slack is one of the Bill of Rights isn't it?

I blame the 90's. I started off being politically motivated and interested, but by the time my first election rolled around I was 20, and no longer gave a fuck.

It's not like I never tried. I remember registering to vote at a Warped Tour once but nothing ever came of that. I never got my voter registration card.

Now it's 2008. Its time to vote. Time for Change.

But would the slacker in me, let me follow through? Although I registered online like 2 weeks ago. I have to say I waited until the last possible date, the final hour to mail my registration in.

But Whoot, there it is. Frank Sinatra stamp and everything.

If you haven't yet done so. Go down to http://rockthevote.com/ and register. Print it out and get it postmarked by 5 PM today. STAT!

Lon Chaney in Phantom of the Opera

2008-10-05T10:35:00.001-07:00

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Today's entry is part one of a double feature The Phantom of the Opera (1925) the silent film classic starring The Man of 1000 faces, Lon Chaney, and the 2005 adaptation of Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical directed by Joel Schumacher on HD-DVD.

Besides the themes that have transcended into pop culture into countless parodies and homages into film, television and comic books, I am not too familiar with either the original novel, the classic silent picture or the musical. I had seen the 1989 slasher version starring Robert Englund, which was more Jack The Ripper than Phantom of the Opera.

The 1925 Silent movie starts at famous Paris Opera house in the midst of a production of Faust. Ironically, the main female character of Christine Daae makes her own pact with the devil. A devil known as the opera ghost or The Phantom. Little is known about the Phantom except he is in love with Christine, a love that drives him to commit all sorts of atrocities in Christine's name. At first wicked woman that she is, she doesn't seem to mind that her suitor drops a chandelier on the star of the show, thus catapulting her into the spotlight. She even rejects her fiancee from the fame the Phantom promises to lay at her feet. it isn't until she find out he is just as monstrous on the outside as he is on the inside that she rejects the Phantom. At that point she goes crawling back to the fiance she rejected begging for help. And of course he's a handsome wealthy aristocrat. If she can't have fame, she'll take the next best thing, money. Women are evil.

The disc I watched was the out of print 2004 Delta DVD release. At first it looks promising. You open it an it includes a high quality reproduction of the original poster.

Most big studios barely include an insert in their DVD's. Much less a cool ass poster!

But its all down here from there. While most of the picture upscales rather nicely to my 50 Inch screen, the transfer was horrible. It seemed to come from a video cassette with major tracking problems. The soundtrack really didn't seem to fit the film, except in a few places. And there was a laughtrack that sometimes popped in in inappropriate times. At the beginning of the film there was an announcement made that let us all know this film was made during the silent era and some trivia about the location, which apparently is still standing today. The print also switched from a black and white version to a tinted version during the Masquerade scene. I don't believe that was intentional.

If you've never seen it, it's worth a view, if only to admire the work that Lon Chaney put into the makeup at great deal of pain to himself, to dilate his eyes and stretch and contort his face. The man was very dedicated to his craft. But if you do, seek out the much better Milestone Collection print which I have linked above. It includes several versions of the film and alternate endings.

For Tomorrow the 2005 Adaptation of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Hit musical.

Ichabod, Ichabod, Ichabod Crane...

2008-10-04T10:46:00.001-07:00

Man, it's just barely day three and I've missed the movie for day three and the review for day two. Luckily I watched two movies on Day 2 so that it evens out.

I watched Legend Of Sleepy Hollow, which was originally released as one of Disney's packaged films in 1949 The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad. And Immediately after I Saw Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow on HD-DVD.

Part of the reason this review is late is that I wanted to read the original short story written by Washington Irving and compare it to the feature films. Along with his other classic Rip Van Winkle, Legend of Sleepy Hollow is one of our only few American fairy tales.

Growing up I must have watched the Disney Classic at least once every single Halloween. The early Disney animation was polished enough to hold up today's standard. The songs sung By Bing Crosby are quaint but still catchy and mellow. Like the short story, the Disney has a lot of buildup before it gets to what we've all been waiting to see. The Headless Horseman.

What all this buildup led into was one of the most harrowing, intense chases in films. At least when I was 5. Poor blundering Ichabod was barely 1 step ahead of death by the Headless Horseman. Now as an adult I see it for the comical adventure that it is. But for years the ending featuring a flying flaming jack-o-lantern was a frightening site. Disney ran a yearly Halloween special show you only Ichabod's Last ride, which never showed the happy endings and left Ichabod for dead. If Disney had made an action figure of the Headless Horseman, I would've clamored for it. Cause he was bad ass.

Whether or not, Ichabod is dead at the end of the cartoon, mourn him not. For he is probably one of Disney's least likeable leading men. He is odd, ugly, lanky, nerdy superstitious and intrusive. But worst of all he is a glutton and a gold digger. He cared not for Katrina van Tassel, just for the fortune her rich farmer father would leave to her, that would pass to him by marriage. All he cared about was that wonderful green green cabbage that we call cash.

Maybe in the 40's he was just a flawed humorous caricature of a man. But in today's world we call him a bastard. Go to hell Ichabod, Ichabod, Ichabod Crane. The real tragedy of this movie where the Dutch schoolchildren, as the short story elaborates without a schoolmaster to teach, the schoolhouse closed down.

Thanks to the glory of youtube you can watch the film here in four parts.

Exactly 50 years later in 1999 came Sleepy Hollow, Tim Burton's first horror movie. And quite possibly his most accessible film and one of the most profitable. Because of the success of this film, the studios let him make that mess we call Planet of the Apes. Tim Burton is no longer a fringe director by any means. He's garnered enough respect and a fan following to make most of his films profitable. The accusations hurled at him by studio big wigs are that he doesn't make them profitable enough, because of his weirdness. Batman Returns should have been one of the most successful sequels ever, and it was at the time. But It needed to be BIGGER. It should have been bigger. But it featured a weird looking Danny Devito in disgusting fat suit, eating raw fish. How many times are you really gonna want to watch that?

Planet of the Apes made 400 million worldwide. That is by no means a flop. But the studio felt Burton killed the possibility of the franchise and any more films are a financial risk.

So whenever the studios take a big money risk on Tim Burton they like to keep him on a leash. when I first heard of Johnny Depp as Ichabod Crane, I thought my god, what obvious yet inspired casting. Yet the studios forced him to audition even though he was Burton's first choice. A different film it might have been indeed if Brad Pitt whom the studio was clamoring for, had accepted the role.

Many people who cared criticized this film from straying so far from the source material. They turned Sleepy Hollow from a fairy tale prank into a bloody, horror murder-mystery full of the fantastique. But the truth is after reading the short story, is is definitely grounded in that era and the mythology of Washington Irving's words. It owes just as much to the Disney version as well. Not only paying it a great homage when Caper van Diem's Brom Bones chases down Johnny Depp as a faux headless horseman. It's an almost shot for shot remake, It almost feels as they used the original Disney film as a storyboard for that sequence. Later on when Ichabod is being chased by the real headless horseman some of the same gags from the Disney film are used. Like when accidentally Ichabod finds himself on the Horsemans' steed. it's just as funny as it was 50 years earlier in 1949.

This time around the characters have more than simple naivete and superstitions fueling their fears of the horseman. They are involved in a major conspiracy and scandal that leads to murder most foul. Ichabod the founder of CSI: New York comes to Sleepy Hollow to use his forensic skills to detect the identity of the murderer. What we get is a tale about faith vs. superstition and Science Vs. the Supernatural.

And audiences ate that shit up. it made 200 million worldwide, and at the time I considered it to be Tim Burton's finest picture. But that was 1999. It's is now 2008.

What do I think of it now? The movie is still fresh, and I had forgotten most of the plot to enjoy it once again with enough suspense as I did the first two times I saw it. While I still think its great picture, I know longer consider it his masterpiece. I enjoy Beetlejuice, Batman, and Pee-Wee's Big Adventure far too much to bestow that honor on this film.

But I recommend this not only for first time viewers, but a repeated viewing if its been awhile since you last saw it. This is a great film.

A word about the Sleep Hollow HD-DVD

The sound is great but this is merely a port of the DVD that came out in 2000. With great sound. The picture is beyond awful for HD. This is the first HD-DVD film I've been utterly disappointed in. I think they Just blew up the 2000 DVD and the result is a hot grainy mess.

BONUS VIDEO: The Headless Horseman 1934

Check out this animated short directed by Ub Iwerks during his sabbatical from Disney. He would later return to and serve as Chief Animator for Legend of Sleepy Hollow. It's cool to watch the parallels in animation between both versions. Particularly Ichabod and the movements of the horses.

Check it out, it's 8 minutes with no dialogue but still manages to convey the heated love triangle, and comedy of the original short story. Also of note is the racist depiction of the Negro servants, which are portrayed exactly as described by Washington Irving.

And it's got a great twist ending. Check it out below.

Alas Poor Yorick, I knew him Horatio.... (plus a Corpse Bride Review)

2008-10-02T17:24:00.001-07:00

I got my Iron Man Blu-ray Disc yesterday. I haven't checked out the Movie or Special Features yet, but the packaging is wicked.

Yesterday marked the first day of October. I decided to undertake an ambitious project for me. 31 Movies in 31 days.

31 Horror movies that is. And hopefully 31 reviews.

Yesterdays film was THE CORPSE BRIDE.

It's a beautiful looking picture especially on the Blu-Ray disc I saw it on. The sound was also nothing short of fantastic. Too bad the film had left as cold as the titular character. I had wanted to see this when it first came out. But made plans with a friend that never materialized. The plan and the friend seemed to vanish into thin air.

Even though I owned a copy of the film on DVD and I got the Blu-Ray for free last year with my Playstation 3, I still didn't feel right watching it.

Fuck It. I put on Tim Burton's follow up to Nightmare Before Christmas. And he turned it up to 11. The animation was smoother, the set design amazing. The voice acting talent, was also at a Whole Notha Level, with Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter as the leads and not too mention Christopher Lee, Tracey Ullman and Albert Finney as part of the supporting voice cast. The humor and the frights found in the film also do not disappoint.

So why didn't I like this film? Nightmare before Christmas is Wonderful and joyous. I watch it every year and usually pay if it's in 3-D on the Big Screen. It's like if 5 year old Tim Burton's mind exploded on the big screen and that's what we got. Add Danny Elfman's score and catchy music, and lovable characters and you've got a masterpiece.

But Corpse Bride is missing all of this. Aside from the Corpse bride herself, the other characters aren't that interestingly designed. Compared to the citizens of Halloweentown in Nightmare the denizens of the Underworld in Corpse Bride are tame. The music and the songs just seemed phoned in, It feels like Danny Elfman didn't want to sound like Danny Elfman. Finally it seems also that Tim Burton who put out the wonderful Charlie and the Chocolate Factory that year was way too busy to spend time on Corpse Bride.

He should have hired, who I know believe was the missing quotient, Henry Selick to oversee it all. While Nightmare Before Christmas was developed from an idea by Tim Burton and every frame of the film is stamped with his style, he didn't have the time to make the film because of contractual obligations to make the lunacy that Became Batman Returns. While it's not one of Burton's most remembered films you can tell by watching it that the same man was behind Batman Returns and Nightmare. Henry Selick was able to make Burton's vision come to fruition. While I love Nightmare to death it isn't a perfect film and it drags a bit near the third act. I always wondered what it would have been like if Tim Burton had directed it. If it's anything like Corpse Bride I might have been disappointed. Henry Selick would go on to make his perfect stop motion animation film in James and the Giant Peach. While it's not as fondly remembered or as entrenched in the subculture, It is in a word, wonderful. And it came from the mind of the one guy who's weirder and wackier than Burton, Roald Dahl.

As for Corpse Bride, it might have been a great live action film in the vein of Beetlejuice or Sleepy Hollow or even comparable to Sweeney Todd. But as an animated musical it fails on every level to charm.I recommend if you like Tim Burton films or animation. But other than that just go ahead and skip it. Watch Nightmare Before Christmas or James and the Giant Peach instead.

P.S. If you're interested in following along. Tonight is a double feature. Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow and Walt Disney's Legend Of Sleepy Hollow.

It's Gonna Kill Me For the Rest of My Life

2008-10-02T17:23:00.001-07:00

Ten years have gone by since I last saw my son. I got older, got a real job, settled down and had a kid. Overwhelmed by responsibilities, loans and bills, on the outside I'm just like all the rest of you. On the inside I'm still the same kid father had abandoned. Only now I too had also abandoned my own son. I had forgiven my father but had no real desire or need to see him.

Ten Years passed in a heartbeat. I had a daughter, but Indiana was always on my mind. Everyplace new place I went, every new adventure I undertook, I thought about how I would someday share it with my son. Every video game system I bought, I thought about playing with him. Every new Star Wars film released, I wished I could take him. When I got the job at TAG I imagined I would soon have the financial freedom to seek him out. But just like Biggie said, I would soon learn that Mo' Money Mo' Problems.

I even refused to get too close to my daughter, because maybe I felt like I was betraying Indiana. Or maybe I was afraid that Sasha would take her from me someday. My daughter was almost two years old before she and I became close. Until I was fired from TAG and came to work at home Since then I've done everything in my power to keep her close to me. I've spoiled her rotten. And even when Sasha and I broke up, I demanded she stay with me. Since I work from home anyway. I know how Sasha feels being away from her daughter. But she also knows how terrified I am of losing Ally.

Ally and I have developed a father and child relationship that's so in synch, its awesome. But I always have Indiana's memory gnawing at me, never letting me forget. Wondering if it would have been like this with him.

I would keep on wondering until September 5th of 2008. Tired and ready for bed, I decided to check my email before I dozed off. As soon as I sat down, I got an email that read:

Indiana has inquired about you and is hoping to contact you. I told him I would attempt to find you. If you are willing to contact him call this number: 561-xxx-xxxx

If I told you my heart stopped at that moment. You probably wouldn't believe me. But It seemed like forever before it continued beating.

I quickly responded but go no answer. The next day I called the number and got no answer. I left a message with my number and went about my day. I didn't sleep much from shock the night before. And now I felt as if I was part of some cruel joke. Then the phone rang. I initially thought it would be her. But it was him, my son.

"Do you know who this is?"

He didn't give me a chance to respond.

"It's Indiana, your son"

"Hi. How are you?"

"I'm fine. Except I haven't seen you"

I knew this was going to be rough at that moment. We cut to the chase and arranged a meeting. Immediately that scared abandoned little boy came back, What If he didn't like me I thought, What is this was another of his Mother's famous ambushes? This time for ten years of child support back pay. I out that all aside. If the boy had enough balls to tackle this head on. I could certainly man up and meet my son. After all, I had prayed for this to happen magically somehow, someday. And today was that someday.

I got there and I was late. he had been waiting outside of his, we'll call it step-grandmother's house. I think he thought I wasn't going to show up. We talked very little at first. I had a million questions about him and his family, my former in-laws. I was generally curious about the people that had been nice to me or I had liked once. And of course his mother. He clammed up about that, as if he wasn't allowed to share much. When I talked about his grandmother or his uncle, he became withdrawn, so I avoided the subject of any new family. Especially Ally.

It was so awkward at first. His step-grandmother no more than four feet away from us.

"Where did you go?"

I told him I hadn't gone anywhere. I've been no more than 1 and half hours away from him his whole life. We left it at that. But I really wanted to elaborate more. To tell him I didn't abandon him.

"Can we make these visits a regular thing?"

I wanted to tell him wild horses could not drag me a away. But I let him know that I was free to see him, whenever, wherever. Whatever it took.

he nervously kept gripping a tiny little bag. I knew what it was. One of those little pouches that holds a game system. It was either DS or a PSP. A fifty fifty chance it was a Nintendo DS. I took a shot and asked what he was holding. He pulled out his weathered DS.

Cool. He played Nintendo. I excused myself from him for a moment and when back to the car. I gave him my CycloDS card with over 100 bootleg DS games. His eyes immediately lit up. He asked how I got all these games. If this was my job or something. I laughed and told him no. I got it from the place people go to get such things. He seemed to understand. So we sat there and played Nintendo until it was time to leave. He told me something that he probably didn't mean much by, but it meant a hell of a lot to me.

"It's hard to talk to grownups about such things, Because they don't seem to understand"

But I understood. Of course I understood. My whole life I've understood. I understood the games he was talking about, and I understood the reasons behind those comments. Grownups never listen to kids. They push them away and make their interests seem trivial and childish.

My son and I rebonding over Nintendo. It was gold to me.

Indiana seemed happy. Which I was immensely glad. I never doubted for all her faults, that his mother would not be raising him right. He was bright, polite, and generally cheerful.

But there was a sullenness to him that frightened me. After all he did reach out to find me. There must have been a reason. Whether he was unhappy at home, or because I had abandoned him I don't know. But I wished to learn it all. But now was not the time to push.

I learned from his step-uncle that he had come to him and had a man to man talk. And has asked to help him find his father. The guy was a bit stand-offish to me, with good reason I guess, but I am grateful to him for enabling this contact. I would learn that I was the most hated man he knew. that all Indy's family hated me.

"Not me." chimed Indy. Thank goodness. I had a shot of one day, some day, being called Dad again. (it truly hurt when he referred to his step-father as "daddy") Maybe even being able to hug him. God I wanted to hug him. But he was now 12. He wasn't the boy I knew.

Indiana let me take a picture of him before I left.

The night before I dreamt of seeing him. He was still 2. And I had a motorcycle. His mom was still a bitch. But I eventually won her friendship.

After seeing him, he told me he would call on Sunday for a possible second visit. I waited all day and I got busy. I ordered him another part for his Nintendo DS, to enable him to play more games. I opened a bank account to transfer money for him to use. And I even began arrangements to get him a cellphone. It would be nice to see be able to talk to him, after school. Call him on his birthdays and Christmas.

But at least I had his email.

"It was really great meeting you. You don't know how much it meant to me and how I wished we had more time. I wanted to stay until you had to leave but I also didn't want to overstay my welcome with your family.
I was hoping I'd get a chance to talk to you today, but I knew you weren't even sure if you were coming down today. I hope I get to see you again soon. You asked if we could make this a regular thing. I smiled because you're so mature for your age. It's funny that you broached the subject so politely.
When I myself was just thinking, "He doesn't need to ask me, just try and stop me from wanting to see you"
I hope when next we meet we can speak more candidly about things. Feel free to ask me anything, and I'll try to give you the best answer I know how. I have tons of questions for you and so many things I want to share with you. But at the same time I don't want to overwhelm you and prod you with my inquisitiveness. So if you just want to hang out and play Nintendo. that's cool, too. I made you some DVD's with 192 DS games and 543 GBA games. I have to order the GBA adapter so you can play them as well.
I think that should keep you busy until the next century or so. I'll be here you know, as long as you're willing to see me. So write me and call me whenever you wish."

I was a complete wreck until I got a response back:

"Hi
I also hope to see you. I also have plenty more questions and my brother and I enjoyed the DS games.
P.S. I go through games really fast so the games will only keep me busy for a decade, not a century."

My kid had jokes. I chuckled at this fact so much. He's a smartass like his old man. I was going to be entering a new an exciting period of my life. While I had gotten older indeed. I had not done much growing up. I had always figured Ally and I would grow up together. Each new adventure she took me on as she got older, would take me one step further towards real adulthood. But now here I was thrust into a situation where I had become a father to a pre-teen boy. But I was thrilled to begin building a relationship with my son.I had also resolved to finally see my father. If my son could do it. And held no ill-will towards me. I sure as hell could do it too.

I sent him another e-mail and included a picture of myself as a young lad for comparison.

"I bet you're thinking you look nothing like this strange old guy you met Saturday.
But I found this picture of myself from when I was about 16 or 17 years old.
check it out. here is some of me in there...
Don't laugh at my old glasses too much"

I anxiously awaited a response from him. Instead I got this:

from M regarding Indiana

This is simply to inform you that this email will be deleted and that do to much discussion and observation of Indiana, it has become apparent that this was an inappropriate time to reintroduce him to you. Therefore, there shall be no further communication hence forth. Furthermore, James has requested I tell you: "Don't force it." If you have any further questions you may call James at 561-xxx-xxxx.

M

She had taken him from me again. This woman broke my heart again. And left me standing there with nothing but a few pictures, yet again.

Father of Mine

2008-10-02T15:47:00.001-07:00

Father of Mine (Acoustic) - Everclear

Everclear's song was one of those painful anthems I heard as a young adult that the 90's were so fond of.

"Father of mine tell me where have you been?"

I grew up basically without a single memory of my father. I don't really know who's fault it was or what problems there might have been. Or why I had to grow up fatherless because of it. The only reason I could think of was hard headed adults.

"My daddy gave me a name, and he walked away"

I'm named after my father. Which is weird knowing this fact, when you've never met your dad. And having his last name, well it made me feel as if I didn't belong to the family I was growing up in. My brother had his father's name and my mother never changed her maiden name. So I was the only strange one, I didn't match my mother, brother, stepfather or aunts, uncles and cousins. It might not have been a big deal, but it's what has always made me feel like an outcast.

"I will never be safe, I will never be sane. I will always be weird inside, I will always be lame"

Feeling like an outcast every single day of your life can severely damage your psyche. It's bad enough if a child only thinks he is unwanted. But when your mother and stepfather do nothing to assuage that idea and in fact only manage to solidify and cement those thoughts in, it totally fucks you up. Add to my complete breakfast the fact my father never tried to reach out once to me. Well now you know why my biggest fear is to be alone, but I don't let anyone in if I can help it. Even though people say I'm a lot of fun, I can't easily make friends. Why even though I can probably charm the pants off a girl, I never follow through.

"Now I'm a grown man with a child of my own, and I swear that I'm not gonna let him know all the pain I have known"

When this song came out my son had just been born. and it resonated so deep inside, that I also vowed to be there for him every single day of his life.

The first period after the Divorce was finalized at first seemed entirely positive. I mean we were more than cordial when it came to the kid and other things. We had a family dinner, that might have been a little too close for comfort for her. So I understood when she backed off. She'd bring my son when it was my day with him, and whenever she needed a break. I gave her money when I had it. Though she didn't really need it, because now that I was out of the picture, her father let her live rent free. Amazing, how family works.

I got her a mother's day gift. She took it. Though now I imagine it ended in the dumpster somewhere. She brought me a father's day gift and stuff the kid made which meant a lot to me. That time period was odd when it was the three of us alone. I felt like I was in prison and I'd get short visits with my family.

When it was just me and the boy, it felt like father and son time.

But It wasn't meant to last. One day she came to me and asked if I wanted the boy. I realized she needed a break or some time off and I jumped at the chance to see him. I told her I'd take him to the movies. Unbeknownst to me, she was also headed to the movies. The same theatre. Thanks for not offering your son and I a ride bitch. We were comfortable on the bus. The movie I planned on taking him to was ANTZ. Back when CGI animation was all about oohs and ahhs. So there we were this tiny 2 year old with a giant tub of popcorn and his goofy dad, waiting to get in the movie. When walking out of the same movie was her mom. On a date.

Yes it took us nearly 90 minutes to reach the theatre by bus. And yes she was there with some dude. But that wasn't the shameful part. The shameful part is the boy saw his mother and rushed to her arms. I told her to take him home. As clearly he wanted to be with her. But she was of course on a date with dinner plans. I took the boy, no future arrangements met, and walked away. The idea of watching Antz now left a bad taste in my mouth. So I went to another film starting at the same time.

I guess guilt or whatever, ate at her mind and she came back near the end of the film, expecting to scoop the kid up and take him home. But of course we weren't there. Which for some reason caused her to freak out. I guess she started to believe all the lies she told everyone about me. And thought I had stolen the kid. She alerted mall security who immediately went into Code Adam.

In the meantime the kid and I were enjoying Night at The Roxbury. When the movie ended I calmly went to payphone and tried to call his mother to see if she wanted me to take him home. No answer. I then called her mother. Who was a little alarmed.

"Where are you!?"

"Umm, at the mall?"

"My daughter's going crazy looking for you!"

"She hasn't paged me. I saw here here at the mall"

I decided to walk back to the theatre. At which point someone came running and scooped my son up. It was her. She was frightened and alarmed, but wouldn't talk to me directly.

"What happened?"

She didn't answer me. The security guard, hand on his gun, asked if there was going to be a problem. or if he needed to call the police.

From that point on, everything was difficult. She wouldn't speak to me directly, or bring my son to me. I had to go to him whenever possible, to see him at a relatives house. Then she moved 2 hours away. Very difficult for a guy with no car. But I still managed.

She dropped him off at the mall with me one time. we had a few hours together. I realized the mall is a terrible place to bring a young boy. We went into Kaybees and bought a train set. I always wanted a train growing up. But I hated the fact I'd never get to see him play with it. So I went to an isolated area of the mall and built this giant train set and played with him for a half hour or so before his mom came. No one said anything to us while we played. Not that it would have made a difference to me.

I saw him a few more times like this, until Christmas day of 1999.

We had an arrangement to bring him to the train station because everything else would be closed. Even though she was coming to Miami later, and was going to be near me she wasn't going to bring him to me. I didn't care. She told me she wasn't going to be "alone". I stammered a bit. her way of telling me she had a boyfriend now. I didn't care I just wanted to see the boy. I bought him a sackful of toys earlier. I rode the train for two hours. I waited at the station for two more hours. And then road the train back. She never showed. Merry Fucking Christmas.

I left the toys at her mother's house with a note. She must have said something to her. Because she never answered my calls again. I made several attempts to reach her through her mother, but there was no contact. When her mother moved away I was left with nothing. Nothing but some pictures and a song. .

Stay Together For the Kid?

2008-09-11T17:28:00.001-07:00

Indy was a pretty sharp kid. when his parents were breaking up, He knew there was something seriously wrong right away. He immediately became moody and cried a lot.
Whenever we'd be together after the break up he would immediately try to get us to all hold hands together. He was only 2 years old. I could see the pain this was causing him and worse I felt it. But his mother was blind to it all, oblivious.

Why it all went to hell, I don't know. We were good friends. Sexually active and adventurous. We were never rich, but never sad. We took trips and had good times with friends and family. When the boy came it kept us grounded and I for the first time in my entire life, I felt complete, Whole. I could probably go on about this for ever, but the truth is I really don't know what happened. I still don't.

The day she officially left I was heartbroken. She came with her father and uncle who ridiculosly "packed heat" in case things got out of hand or soemthing. Like If I had the energy to argue, I was fucking floored. I just sad against the wall pleading with her to tell me why this was happening, and If I could somehow fix it.

I never got an answer, The "You Know what You did" was enough for her and enough to torment me for years to come. She grabbed her neccessary belongings and said goodbye to ME, and goodbye to our son.

Yes, she left us. It was the only logical thing to do. For 2 years I was a stay at home dad. I raised him, fed him,changed him, clothed him and took him on trips around town. I was his primary care-giver. But I would soon learn, because I had a penis, in the State of Florida I had no rights. Thank you Janet Reno.

Losing my wife, someone who I indeed loved wholeheartedly, really put me at a point where I was unable to function. Nor care for the day to day well being of my young son. So I did the only sensible and responsible thing. I called his mother and asked that she take him for a few days while I got over it. She left work came to pick him up, alone and took my son.

She took full advantage of this situation. Unbeknownst to me she cleared our bank account. Put the boy in day care and filed for sole custody.

When the weekend came, I said I would like to see my son. And that I was composed enough to take care fo him again. She said to come over and see him. I walked a good 45 minutes to the location he was at. Excited to see my son, and her as well. If we could talk and maintain a rapport I had every hope we could resolve this.

But she hit me with another blow. She had me served with papers. A restraining order, preventing me from seeing her and the boy. She had a police officer friend of the family willing to commit perjury and agree with everything she laid out in the restraining order. I knew that the reason she did this because was the quickest thing she could file and make stick. As the primary caregiver I should have had every right, plus she was the one who left home. But now I felt completely and royally fucked. Thanks again Janet Reno. I didn't get to see my son that day and It would be many months before I would see him again.

At the hearing for the restraining order, the judge showed no reason why it needed to be removed, and said I could see my son once the divorce has been finalized. That could of course been many, many months away.

In the meantime, I was distraught and now feeling downtrodden I chose to take my life in a different direction and move to Germany to be with family and get my head right. I begged her to bring the boy to the airport. Pleaded even. She refused. I begged her to send me pictures to Germany cause I had only one picture of my son. I never recieved one picture. She never made an attempt. She didn't even believe I had left the country.

Upon my return I made an attempt to see my son. She finally relented. Under the condition I would come to her mother's home to see him. Her mother was the very definition of a bitch on wheels. But I would never take any of her shit, and she was always perpetually brutally honest with me. So even though I disliekd her for her treatment of her kids growing up, she was kind to my son. And I knew where she stood. Unlike the rest of my wife's family who went from being my friends and relatives to my enemies from one day to the next, My mother-in-law and I could comport ourselves in a decent manner.

I was ecstatic to see my son. Finally after so many months. And grateful too. Perhaps I thought once again, for the good of the child we can be friendly to one another and I could continue to see regualrly. Then came a knock on the door and I got another surprise. Soemthing that even my wife's mother called despicable to do to someone who is being reunited with their child.

She served me with papers again. This time for divorce...

Young Indy Chronicles

2008-09-11T07:35:00.000-07:00

I have sadly very few memories of my son as a child. I remember taking him to see Return Of the Jedi Special Edition in theatres, and some young(er) punks who managed to be first in line for the premiere, just ahead of us, were worried that a baby barely a year old would ruin their movie going experience. I told them to relax, because what they didn't know is Indiana was already a Star Wars veteran. He had already sat through Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back completely entranced by the music and the colors.

We took him to a sci-fi convention once. It was taking place at a hotel, late in the afternoon we got away from the hustle and bustle of the show to attend to the baby. The kid in all his precociousness attracted the attention of the stars of the show Peter Mayhew the man who plays Chewbacca. Who seemed really taken by Indiana.

and Jeremy Bullock the guy in the Boba Fett costume.

To me in 1997 this was about as cool as meeting any rock star, and in a hotel full of nerds to get to hang out with Chewbacca 1 on 1 for a good 20 minutes, well that there was priceless to me. The only regret was not having a camera.

I would also take him to meet Anne Rice. Whom I had met twice before, but for some reason I wanted to bring him along this time so he could meet the woman responsible for part of his name.

So on Halloween night we took him to wait in line down on Lincoln Road with the bunch of crazies that only Anne Rice can attract. The Goths, the wanna-be vamps and the bored lonely horny housewives. When it was our turn, we introduced her to Indy whom she was completely delighted with. She only referred to him as baby Lestat. Indiana had been only the second boy whom she had met that was named after her (at the time) 20 year old creation. The other she she had only recently met as well, but was younger than our son. We definitely took up more of her time than was alotted for anyone else. It was once again another great adventure the boy had taken us on.

Some time later, we took him to see The Wallflowers at the peak of their career when they had released bringing down the horse. The opening band was Liquid Vinyl, an indie band from northern florida, they never really made it big, but during their set, our boy had somehow managed to get on stage and dance with the band, whom graciously did NOT kick him off. They dubbed him their youngest fan on their website.

He liked watching me play video games, until that was not enough and he would attempt to take my Nintendo 64 controller. I attempted to fool him and give him a controller that was not plugged in, but he was way too bright for this. He realized his actions weren't doing anything and he would attempt to go for my controller once again. I actually had to sit him in front of the TV with a live controlelr to finally pacify him. It was neat seeing him press the joystick and then look up to see Mario actually move.

The boy was a music afficionado. He preferred classical music. Mozart, Beethoven and John William's of course. He didn't really like too many other types of music. He did like Queen though. One of his favorite pop songs was Pearl Jam's Jeremy which I played constantly to him in the womb. I would actually bring headphones to the his mother's stomach. The first time he had heard that song after he was born he must have been like 6 months old, and I guarantee you there was almost an instant recognition. Its the first time I realized that there was a lot more to a child's development than I had previously been aware of. And that kids themselves are born intelligent. It's the parents that make them stupid.

His other favorite song was Smash Mouth's Walkin' On The Sun I forgive him though, it was the 90's. And we had yet to realize how lame Smash Mouth would become.

He was about a year and half old when we sat him down in front of a small piano for the first time. It was a real piano, and he really took to it. He didn't bang awaya t it and make noise, he attempted to make music, as his fingers stroked the keys individually, I realized he was a natural. I knew then that this was something I would encourage him to do.

He was fond of the comedic stylings of Ray Romano for some reason. Again it was the 90's and we hadn't realized how lame he'd become.
He loved Blue's Clues and Nick Jr's spokesman FACE
He loved the Walmart smiley face mascot too.

I remember taking him to see a Night at the Roxbury when he was about two years old. Any other kid would have been bored out of their skull. But not him he was just happy to be out with his old man and watching the rambunctious teenagers int he audience act a fool.
How happy was he? Everytime Haddaway's What Is Love? came on he would do this:

I lost him just as he was developing his own personality and becoming really interesting..

My first child WAS a masculine child.

2008-09-07T13:51:00.000-07:00

Many readers of this blog know I have a daughter named Ally, short for Alessandria. She's smart, funny, kind and caring. At the same time she's also wicked and sly and has a bit of an acid tongue, you can't put one over her. She's an amazing person and yet is still only four years old. Did i mention beautiful? And what's worse is she knows it.

But I have a son, too.

Indiana Lestat.

Yes as in Indiana Jones. Although it got easier to say he was named like the state. I even led people to believe I myself hailed from the Hoosier State.

And Lestat, as in the Vampire Lestat. I wan't goth or anything, I just really dug the books by Anne Rice a lot.

Never name a kid when you yourself are still a teenager. You'll end up naming him after your favorite things in the world. And while it may seem like a good idea then. You're not the one who's going to have to live with the name for the rest of your life. I guess if I had him when I was much younger his name could've been "Superman Cookie Monster"

I'll be telling some stories about Indy, where he's been and why I haven't seen him in like ten years over the next few blog entries

Oh and Welcome to the New Digs..

Right now I'm in the process of closing the old blog down. .

Please stay tuned.