Horror Movie A Day: Vampyros Lesbos

For those of you who are male I probably don’t have to say more than just the film’s title to have you run out to the Blockbuster in search of it. Lesbian Vampires is the only thing that will resonate though your mind throughout the rest of this review. Is Jess Franco’s 1971 horrotica classic a must see? Yes, but only so you can bring it up in conversation later.

Let’s get right down to it. The movie is schlock. Late Early 70’s psychedelic sexploitation. When the Lesbian Vampires are on screen you don’t even give a damn what else is going on. It’s almost like one of those porn movies with plot. You really just want to fast forward to the Lesbo Vampires.

The good news is you really don’t need to know what’s going on. The movie is simply a remake of Dracula. But with chicks. It follows the same plot of Jonathan Harker headed up to Castle Dracula on business. But instead we have Linda Westinghouse a lawyer with the firmer of Simpson and Sons, it seems a countess in Istanbul has inherited the Estate of Count Dracula. Linda finds the Countess sunbathing on her private island. They quickly turn this first meeting into a skinny dipping romp, followed by nude sunbathing. As the Countess declares, it’s just more fun when you are not alone. The countess prefers female companions because of her hatred towards men. 200 years ago, soldiers raped and pillaged her village and she could do nothing to stop them. Then they came to her castle and raped her. She was ultimately saved By Count Dracula, who enjoyed her company and turned her. Watch her explain how she became a vampire in the YouTube video below.

Every scene with the Countess seducing one of her prey is captivating and titillating to say the least. The movie is full of girl on girl action. We get plenty of it, in dream sequences, flashbacks, and live on a nightclub stage.

But then the movie realizes it has to deal with stupid things like story and plot and supporting characters. The coolest of which is “Morpho”, the Countess’ henchman in an Italian suit. I think they call him Morpho cause he sometimes looks like Stallone in Rhinestone, and other times like Bob Dylan. We soon learn that Linda is special to the Countess and she wants to induct her into circle of vampire lesbians. But Linda has a pesky boyfriend who’s running all over town looking for her. He goes to see a Doctor at the loony bin who specializes in these types of cases. We’re never really sure if he’s trying top cure lesbianism or hunt Vampires. Then there’s also a sadistic hotel janitor who lost his wife to the Countess, and now hates all women.

Even though this movie dips into the dull side near the end. It’s still entertaining enough to merit a viewing. If you’re the type to partake in mood altering drugs, then this film is a good match with it’s psychedelic colors, and it’s obsession with its quick cuts to scorpions, flashing lights, and dripping blood. in It’s got some sexy chicks. A cool henchman, and some fantastic music that Tarantino would reuse in Jackie Brown. Check it out. I give it two sexy vampire fangs.