This summer there’s a new Halloween movie, H2. So Halloween begins early this year, so it’s time once again for my oft failed experiment. A Horror Movie a day for Halloween. Last year I had to only tackle 31 films. And while I didn’t review them all hear I did get close. This year with the help of Netflix instant Queue we are going to tackle some 65 Horror films. I got to warn you they will not all be classics.
We begin this adventure with one GIANT Turkey. Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2. Or H2. Maybe I’m being harsh, judging by the amount of young children attending the premiere, I might not have been the target audience. Really parent’s is a Rob Zombie Horror film the best parenting choice? Maybe that's just Flippers Cinema audience for you though. There’s nothing funnier, and sadder I guess for the director, than to have some 7 year old yell out “Man, this some Bullshit!” When even a kid whose never seen a REAL Halloween film before judges your movie so harshly.
Let me start over. I love Halloween movies. There’s just a simple formula here. A killer with a one track mind, a haunting yet iconic score, a mask, and Donald Pleasance. It’s not that deep. And yet every single masked killer/teen slasher film owes it a debt of gratitude. Even when these films aren’t good. And face it they rarely are, they are still fun. They usually fail whenever they try to come up with back story for Michael, (Curse of Michael Myers) or try to change the simple formula of the series, (Resurrection). Halloween audiences hate change, they outright reject it. Season of the Witch should’ve been enough warning for the producers.
So knowing all of this Rob Zombie decides to change Halloween and give Michael Myers a back story and motive, and a heart and it became a recipe for disaster. It’s not that Rob Zombie’s Halloween is a BAD movie. It’s just not a good Michael Myers movie, we didn’t need any of that. On it’s own, might have been a beginning of a new franchise for an unrelated character. But because they were force-feeding us this crap as a Michael Myers movie, we rejected it once again.
But I came into H2 with an open mind. Really I did. I was going take the new mythology as it stood. I was going to trust Rob Zombie’s new vision. He told everyone this new version of Michael Myers had now cut all ties to the original films. There’s nothing holding him back now. So the first 15 Minutes of H2, is basically the entire plot of Halloween 2! Way to stand on your own two feet Rob. Oh no, wait. It’s all a dream. How’s that for originality? In your face American audiences! This is when the audience first turned on him. A random 6 Year old Yells out “All that for a Dream? Shiiiiit!”
It gets worse from there. We are soon reintroduced to Michael Myer’s mom via flashback Where we learned that Michael didn’t just become the mindless killer right away. He was a normal kid sitting in the crazy house. So I guess, what Loomis turns him into a killer? Since he was responsible for his day to day care. But that’s not the end of his mom though, she’s with us throughout the whole movie. Standing next to a pale white horse looking like the chick from Legend, inside Michaels demented mind.
“Michael Myers and His Mom”
“Chick from Legend”
So now we learn Michael has mommy issues like Jason and is killing for her to reunite the family. The only way to do so is to kill Laurie. I think? Because he had a chance to do it at the end of the film but didn’t. Did I mention this movie makes no sense? He goes on a rampage killing random people who have no connection to Laurie in any way. I’m guessing the kill count wasn’t high enough yet, so the studio asked for more.Finally he catches up to her. The movie doesn’t make it clear how he does this. He just shows up at her house and kills her friends.
Myers big plan is to carry her off to an abandoned shed and just sit there. While his mom and the horse and little boy Michael Myers act crazy. Eventually Loomis shows up, he’s been on a book tour and doing the talk show circuit with Weird Al, whose 1 minute cameo is the best part of the movie. And so he feels guilty for cashing in on the murders and decides to talk to Michael to save Laurie. Inside the shed we learn that the White Horse and Little Michael, and Michael’s mom are inside Laurie’s head as well.
The ending of this movie is just so hackneyed, it’s been done better in Halloween 4 and also Friday the 13th Part 4. Rob Zombie standing on his own two feet got the jump on them by doing it in only his second Halloween film. The audience walked away still laughing at the penultimate scene in which tiny Laurie Strode walks out of the shed wearing Michael’s oversized mask.
This movie sucks, and I don’t recommend it to diehard fans at all. Still its not the worst thing I’ve seen and it had a pair of boobies in it.
So I give it one and a half broken iPhones.
Save your money and watch the original Halloween 2 instead.
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